Grindr users on the 2020 US election

The United States is about to hold its 59th presidential election. 4 years ago, I polled Grindr users for the 2016 US election, and have also done several Grindr polls in the UK (the 2019 general election in London and Scotland, the 2017 election in London and Scotland, the 2015 election in Scotland and Wales, the 2019 European election, and the referendums on Brexit and Scottish independence). This time, I asked exactly 2,000 Grindr users across the United States who they think should be leading their country.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good evening, Hung Geek. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Hung Geek: Biden. Fuck Trump

Me: Good morning, QANON!. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
QANON!: Trump. Fuck biden

Me: Good evening, SwallowingKidz. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
SwallowingKidz: Kind of personal don't you think

Me: Good evening, luk 4 blk trunk. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
luk 4 blk trunk: Trump

Me: Good evening, IDrainnutsaks. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
IDrainnutsaks: It damn sure want be Trump!!!

Me: Good evening, Pu**y Breeder. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Pu**y Breeder: Biden. Trump should be assassinated.

Me: Good evening, BLACK KENDOLL. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
BLACK KENDOLL: Neigher cuz i dont like eighter one of the MUTHAFUCKERS if u ask me
Me: Are you considering a third-party candidate?
BLACK KENDOLL: Bitch no
BLACK KENDOLL: Dont text me no fuckin more

Me: Good afternoon, SouthernGent. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
SouthernGent: Trump baby. All the way.
Me: Thank you for your input, SouthernGent.
SouthernGent: Gonna be a landslide. The polls are all fucked up, just like last time

Me: Good evening, PowerBottom. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
PowerBottom: my business
Me: Thank you anyway, PowerBottom.
PowerBottom: you are not welcome  at all
PowerBottom: the fuck is wrong with you? who the hell are you?
PowerBottom: fucking asking me who i am voting  for

Me: Good evening, BroFeetonMyFace. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
BroFeetonMyFace: If I tell you will u step on my face

Me: Good evening, Mainebeachbud. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Mainebeachbud: Collins
Me: Maine senator Susan Collins, or Prohibition Party leader Phil Collins?
Mainebeachbud: What are you here for.? Who is vote for us my business. This approach on a hook up site is too strange for me to be interested

Me: Good evening, The Mastermind. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
The Mastermind: Me or both. Me. The universe is us all even while the universe is unable to be us all or the universe is us all. Joe Biden is the universe. Trump is the universe. They are both the universe. They are (to some sense) the same. As a fact, they are both the same. I either support them both or support neither.

Me: Good afternoon, I Love BBC. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
I Love BBC: A big black thug with a 12 inches long bbc who likes to use white boys and make them worship his bbc in public

Me: Good evening, S3X P4R7Y. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
S3X P4R7Y: Lol really
S3X P4R7Y: Barack Obama
Me: Is he still on the ballot?
S3X P4R7Y: To be honest I don't know and I'm really not on this app to talk about politics butp to get my dick sucked or fuck something but if you're not trying to talk about politics I'm not your guy and I'm high in this is blowing my high

Me: Good evening, bachatero. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
bachatero: Sorry I'm no here for political im here just looking to get fucket
bachatero: You are in the rong app
Me: Thank you anyway, bachatero.
bachatero: Ok
bachatero: you top??

Me: Good evening, Hellbait. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Hellbait: Reluctantly Biden
Hellbait: He's not nearly progressive enough buy at this point I'd vote for a literal dog turd over Komrade45

Me: Good morning, SoUtDawgsMm4m. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
SoUtDawgsMm4m: I'm a Log Cabin Republican, do you know what that is? I'm a 55yo/white/LDS/Gay/Male/born/raised/lived until 2007 moved to South Utah with my life partner. I served 1984-1988 USAF Security Police Specialist, life member NRA, gun safety instructor, youth firearms instructor. GunRangeMaster. I will defend the United States Constitution, against ALL ENEMIES foreign and domestic. The best way to put it
Me: Thank you for your input, SoUtDawgsMm4m.
SoUtDawgsMm4m: The Democratic Party is an instrument of the Chinese communist party which we have been at war with since the beginning of the Korean War, think about it, Cease Fire means stopping Shooting at the opposing forces AKA we are at war wth North ,,'l

Me: Good evening, bamchickawamwam. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
bamchickawamwam: My cock
bamchickawamwam: Rock hard
Me: Does it have ballot access?
bamchickawamwam: Bend over let's find out

Me: Good evening, Just turned 18. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Just turned 18: I'll give you hints

I'm a real patriot

I respect the Bible

I respect our country and it's borders

I don't like Fake news

I don't support BLM or Antifa but I support black people and All lives matter

I'm pro life and Abortion is murder

I'm against perophiles and people who support them

Setting people and businesses on fire is not a protest it's riot
Anymore?



Just turned 18: Also
Ignorance doesn't discriminate is my favorite saying

Me: Good evening, ACAB/BLM. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
ACAB/BLM: Certainly not the cheeto
Me: Do you favour any particular non-cheeto candidate?
ACAB/BLM: I'm voting for Biden. It's the option we have and I'm not here to debate it. Change has to start somewhere. Even if it's not our ideal choice.

Me: Good evening, CHUBBOTTOMZONLY. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
CHUBBOTTOMZONLY: Lol you if your ass is fat
Me: I'm not on the ballot, CHUBBOTTOMZONLY. Which candidate do you believe has the fattest ass?
CHUBBOTTOMZONLY: Trump😏
Me: Does his fat ass have your support?
CHUBBOTTOMZONLY: Not unless it makes me cum
CHUBBOTTOMZONLY: And it has yet 2 do so

Me: Good evening, I'm voting Red.. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
I'm voting Red.: None of your fucking business
Me: Thank you anyway, I'm voting Red..
I'm voting Red.: That's not my name, you fucking incel.

Me: Good evening, 👀for edibles. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
👀foredibles: Lol I actually do like that question. Im not evil so biden
Me: Thank you for your input, 👀for edibles.
👀for edibles: Yea I am
👀for edibles: What do you have and price

Me: Good evening, BIDEN2020 VOTA. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
BIDEN2020 VOTA: Qué crees???
Translation: What do you think??
BIDEN2020 VOTA: Por quién podría votar un Gay, que no sea por alguien que respete a todos por igual y que le interesen los valores de América, no los del y su Partido.
Translation: Who a Gay could vote for, other than someone who respects everyone equally and who cares about America's values, not those of the Party.

Me: Good morning, SuckUrYummyD. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
SuckUrYummyD: Trump 2020 make America Great again.
SuckUrYummyD: Don't hate educate
SuckUrYummyD: 👍
Me: Thank you for your input, SuckUrYummyD.
SuckUrYummyD: If you don't know why I suggest lookin into the history of other countries such as Mexico who is paying for the wall to be built.
SuckUrYummyD: How the Mexican President now Amlo got into power with a unanimous vote from all the people. Kicking out the corrupts and finding the other end of Hilary Clinton's Emails she had deleted which was found on the previous corrupts servers in Mexico. How Hunter Biden being linked and confirmed into corruption with Joe Biden and his family.
SuckUrYummyD: You welcome for my input..

flying k: Sup
Me: Sup, flying j. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
flying j: I dknt vote
flying j: I do drugs on.my time off

Ricky: How are you today🤔🤔🤔🤔
Me: I am adequate, Ricky. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Ricky:  Hahaha jo jorgensen of courseeeeee
Ricky: And you ?
Me: As a tourist, I have no say in the matter either way.
Me: Thank you for your input, Ricky.
Ricky: Oh tourist???
Ricky: I see why u don't answer me??
Ricky: Maybe you really antefa extreme terrorist, looking of people voting for trump so you can start arguing
Ricky: We truth be told I am Liberterian, though on this election I must turn my back on jo  Jorgensen and must vote for trump as we need every inch of votes to keep that tyrant Biden and Harris whole wants to finally finish usa as little of it is left from our founding fathers, I know if Biden cheats and gets his way with this lying illegally set up for manipulation mail in votes to tamper with to get
Ricky: Extremist anti freedom anti constitutional fashist communists antefa to destroy usa
Ricky: I know if he gets in USA will have a civil war cause there infringements of our soveregn constitution

Me: Good evening, Roman. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Roman: The two party system is a broken system that doesn't deserve my attention. Radical vigilantes on either side ruin the american lives now and for generations to come. Pushing your two party system on me is as useless as tits on a boar hog
Me: Are you supporting a third-party candidate?
Roman: If I had to vote I would support Jo, unfortunately she will never win since America's impudence pertaining it's red vs blue war is postered up as propaganda everywhere.

Me: Good evening, Toilet. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Toilet: I think they both stink. Neither one would do a good job.
Me: Are you considering a third-party candidate?
Toilet: I can't vote.
Me: Thank you anyway, Toilet.
Toilet: Would you like to pee on me?

Me: Good evening, sad boi. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
sad boi: Neither
sad boi: Anarchy all day
Me: Thank you anyway, sad boi.
sad boi: I keep seeing these

Me: Good afternoon, AbuseMyThroat!!. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
AbuseMyThroat!!: The BDP
AbuseMyThroat!!: Big dick party
Me: Do they have ballot access?
AbuseMyThroat!!: Dude shut up

Me: Good evening, BlackStarOmen. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
BlackStarOmen: I'm supporting the idea of you shutting the fuck up
Me: Is that an option on the ballot?
BlackStarOmen: On my ballot
Me: Thank you anyway, BlackStarOmen.
BlackStarOmen: Fuck off

To poll the country proportionately, in each state I questioned people until the number of responses I received was equivalent to that state’s number of presidential electors – from 55 for California to 3 for Delaware, Vermont, Alaska etc. (As I usually continued to receive replies after I finished polling, the number of responses for each state is usually higher.)

This is a state-by-state breakdown of the vote.

CALIFORNIA (198 polled, 60 responses)

17

Joe Biden

5Donald Trump
4Kanye West
2Mickey Mouse
1Hillary Clinton
1Marianne Williamson
1Queen Elizabeth II
1Me
3None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
24Evasive or unclear
138Did not respond

TEXAS (153 polled, 43 responses)

12

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1Barack Obama
1Miss Piggy
1"Yo mama"
1Me
5None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
20Evasive or unclear
111Did not respond

FLORIDA (116 polled, 30 responses)

11

Joe Biden

4Donald Trump
3Kanye West
1Me
1Undecided
1None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
8Evasive or unclear
86Did not respond

NEW YORK (117 polled, 32 responses)

16

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1Undecided
1None of the above
3Not eligible to vote
10Evasive or unclear
85Did not respond

ILLINOIS (86 polled, 25 responses)

9

Joe Biden

2Donald Trump
1Jo Jorgensen
1Kanye West
1Karina Villa
1Undecided
2None of the above
2Not eligible to vote
6Evasive or unclear
61Did not respond

PENNSYLVANIA (73 polled, 23 responses)

8

Joe Biden

2Donald Trump
2Jo Jorgensen
3None of the above
8Evasive or unclear
50Did not respond

OHIO (90 polled, 23 responses)

5

Joe Biden

3Donald Trump
1Jo Jorgensen
1Bernie Sanders
1Alicia Keys
1"Myself"
1Undecided
1None of the above
9Evasive or unclear
67Did not respond

GEORGIA (48 polled, 18 responses)

4

Joe Biden

2Donald Trump
1Kanye West
1"My dick"
2None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
7Evasive or unclear
30Did not respond

MICHIGAN (53 polled, 20 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1Jo Jorgensen
1Kanye West
1Barack Obama
1"Myself"
1Undecided
3None of the above
9Evasive or unclear
33Did not respond

NORTH CAROLINA (47 polled, 19 responses)

5

Joe Biden

4Donald Trump
1"Big Dick Party"
1None of the above
8Evasive or unclear
28Did not respond

NEW JERSEY (47 polled, 17 responses)

4

Joe Biden

4

Donald Trump

1Mephistopheles
1Undecided
2None of the above
5Evasive or unclear
30Did not respond

VIRGINIA (30 polled, 16 responses)

5

Joe Biden

2Donald Trump
1"My dildo"
1Not eligible to vote
7Evasive or unclear
14Did not respond

WASHINGTON (41 polled, 12 responses)

3

Joe Biden

3

Donald Trump

1Cthulhu
1"Your mom"
4Evasive or unclear
29Did not respond

ARIZONA (37 polled, 12 responses)

6

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1"Yo momma"
1None of the above
3Evasive or unclear
25Did not respond

INDIANA (48 polled, 12 responses)

5

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1Kanye West
1Me
3None of the above
1Evasive or unclear
36Did not respond

MASSCHUSETTS (48 polled, 18 responses)

5

Joe Biden

3Donald Trump
1Sméagol
2Undecided
8Evasive or unclear
30Did not respond

TENNESSEE (28 polled, 11 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Jo Jorgensen
1Kanye West
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
1Not eligible to vote
5Evasive or unclear
17Did not respond

MARYLAND (37 polled, 11 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Hillary Clinton
0Donald Trump
7Evasive or unclear
26Did not respond

MINNESOTA (33 polled, 11 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Attila the Hun
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
1None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
5Evasive or unclear
22Did not respond

MISSOURI (19 polled, 10 responses)

3

Joe Biden

2Donald Trump
1Not eligible to vote
4Evasive or unclear
9Did not respond

WISCONSIN (47 polled, 14 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
2None of the above
8Evasive or unclear
33Did not respond

ALABAMA (26 polled, 12 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Barack Obama
1Roger Rabbit
1"My cock"
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
2None of the above
4Evasive or unclear
14Did not respond

COLORADO (41 polled, 13 responses)

3

Joe Biden

2Kanye West
1"A big black thug with a 12 inches long bbc who likes to use white boys and make them worship his bbc in public"
0Donald Trump
3None of the above
4Evasive or unclear
28Did not respond

SOUTH CAROLINA (43 polled, 14 responses)

2

Donald Trump

1Joe Biden
1Joe Exotic
1"Myself"
3None of the above
6Evasive or unclear
29Did not respond

KENTUCKY (36 polled, 9 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Kanye West
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
4Evasive or unclear
27Did not respond

LOUISIANA (21 polled, 11 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Barack Obama
0Donald Trump
1None of the above
7Evasive or unclear
10Did not respond

CONNECTICUT (33 polled, 10 responses)

3

Donald Trump

0Joe Biden
2Not eligible to vote
6Evasive or unclear
23Did not respond

OKLAHOMA (20 polled, 10 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1"Myself"
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
1None of the above
5Evasive or unclear
10Did not respond

OREGON (25 polled, 8 responses)

3

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1None of the above
1Evasive or unclear
17Did not respond

ARKANSAS (29 polled, 7 responses)

4

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
1Not eligible to vote
2Evasive or unclear
22Did not respond

IOWA (13 polled, 6 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
1Undecided
2Evasive or unclear
7Did not respond

KANSAS (21 polled, 6 responses)

2

Donald Trump

1Ronald McDonald
0Joe Biden
3Evasive or unclear
15Did not respond

MISSISSIPPI (23 polled, 8 responses)

2

Donald Trump

0Joe Biden
4None of the above
2Evasive or unclear
16Did not respond

NEVADA (28 polled, 6 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1"Your mom"
0Donald Trump
1None of the above
2Evasive or unclear
22Did not respond

UTAH (21 polled, 7 responses)

1

Donald Trump

1

Charli XCX

0Joe Biden
1Not eligible to vote
5Evasive or unclear
14Did not respond

NEBRASKA (29 polled, 5 responses)

1

Donald Trump

0Joe Biden
1Undecided
1None of the above
2Evasive or unclear
24Did not respond

NEW MEXICO (19 polled, 6 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Alfred E. Neuman
0Donald Trump
1None of the above
3Evasive or unclear
13Did not respond

WEST VIRGINIA (22 polled, 6 responses)

1

Joe Biden

1

"This guy", followed by a dick pic

0Donald Trump
1None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
2Evasive or unclear
16Did not respond

HAWAII (13 polled, 5 responses)

1

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
1None of the above
3Evasive or unclear
8Did not respond

IDAHO (9 polled, 4 responses)

1

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
1Not eligible to vote
2Evasive or unclear
5Did not respond

MAINE (6 polled, 4 responses)

1

Joe Biden

1

Jo Jorgensen

1

(Susan?) Collins

0Donald Trump
1Evasive or unclear
2Did not respond

NEW HAMPSHIRE (13 polled, 6 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1Donald Trump
2None of the above
1Evasive or unclear
7Did not respond

RHODE ISLAND (17 polled, 7 responses)

2

Joe Biden

1"My dick"
0Donald Trump
1Undecided
3Evasive or unclear
10Did not respond

ALASKA (7 polled, 4 responses)

1

Joe Biden

1

Donald Trump

1None of the above
1Evasive or unclear
3Did not respond

D.C. (19 polled, 6 responses)

3

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
3Evasive or unclear
13Did not respond

DELAWARE (11 polled, 5 responses)

3

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
2Evasive or unclear
6Did not respond

MONTANA (12 polled, 4 responses)

1

Joe Biden

1

Abraham Lincoln

0Donald Trump
2Evasive or unclear
8Did not respond

NORTH DAKOTA (8 polled, 4 responses)

0 respondents picked a candidate.

0Joe Biden
0Donald Trump
1None of the above
1Not eligible to vote
2Evasive or unclear
4Did not respond

SOUTH DAKOTA (16 polled, 3 responses)

1

Donald Trump

0Joe Biden
2Evasive or unclear
13Did not respond

VERMONT (10 polled, 6 responses)

4

Joe Biden

0Donald Trump
1None of the above
1Evasive or unclear
4Did not respond

WYOMING (13 polled, 3 responses)

1

Joe Biden

1

Donald Trump

1Evasive or unclear
10Did not respond

Overall US-wide Grindr popular vote:

57.6% (179)

Joe Biden

21.9% (68)Donald Trump
4.8% (15)Kanye West
2.3% (7)Jo Jorgensen
1.3% (4)Me
1.3% (4)Barack Obama
1.3% (4)"Yo mama"/"Yo momma"/"Your mom"
0.6% (2)Mickey Mouse
0.3% (1)Hillary Clinton
0.3% (1)Bernie Sanders
0.3% (1)Marianne Williamson
0.3% (1)Karina Villa
0.3% (1)(Susan?) Collins
0.3% (1)Abraham Lincoln
0.3% (1)Queen Elizabeth II
0.3% (1)Attila the Hun
0.3% (1)Alfred E. Neuman
0.3% (1)Mephistopheles
0.3% (1)Cthulhu
0.3% (1)Sméagol
0.3% (1)Charli XCX
0.3% (1)Alicia Keys
0.3% (1)Joe Exotic
0.3% (1)Roger Rabbit
0.3% (1)Ronald McDonald
0.3% (1)Miss Piggy
0.3% (1)"My dildo"
0.3% (1)"Big Dick Party"
0.3% (1)"A big black thug with a 12 inches long bbc who" etc etc
1.3% (1x4)Themselves
1.3% (1x4)Their dicks

(There were no votes for Howie Hawkins of the Green Party.)

Not counted towards the percentages are the following responses:

16Undecided
55None of the above
21Not eligible to vote
255Evasive or unclear

Evasive or unclear responses can be roughly divided into the following categories:

50None of my business
34Too horny to engage politically
32Non sequitur/incomprehensible
32General incredulity
27Who cares
26Miscellaneous evasion
19Cryptic/vague
12"Not Trump" (but declined to commit to another candidate)
11Acted like it was obvious but didn't actually answer

This is the number of states candidates win when only Grindr votes.

Joe Biden: 43 (7 as part of a tie)
Donald Trump: 11 (5 as part of a tie)
Jo Jorgensen: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
(Susan?) Collins: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Abraham Lincoln: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Charli XCX: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
A penis: 1 (1 as part of a tie)

In the electoral college, this should translate into the following numbers of electoral votes. In the case of ties, I’ve divided electors evenly between candidates.

Joe Biden: 470.3
Donald Trump: 61
Charli XCX: 3
A penis: 2.5
Abraham Lincoln: 1.5
Jo Jorgensen: 1.3
(Susan?) Collins: 1.3

Finally, here is the electoral map, according to Grindr.

Grindr’s ridin’ with Biden.

London Grindr users on the 2019 general election

On 12 December 2019, the United Kingdom will elect its 58th Parliament. I’ve previously polled Grindr users on the 2017 election, in London and Scotland, and the 2015 election, in Scotland and Wales, as well as on Brexitthis year’s European electionScottish independence, and the 2016 US election. This time, I asked 788 Grindr users in and around London who they’re supporting in this year’s general election.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good evening, votelabour 💋. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
votelabour 💋: Um

Me: Good evening, Humiliate me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Humiliate me: Tory Sir

Me: Good evening, Crossdresser. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Crossdresser: Farage

Me: Good evening, Hung n Filthy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Hung n Filthy: Bollocks to that

Me: Good evening, 👀 4 calm ppl. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
👀 4 calm ppl: Yo bro
👀 4 calm ppl: Labour init
Me: Thank you for your input, 👀 4 calm ppl.
👀 4 calm ppl: Ur welcome g

Me: Good evening, Dry Humping. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Dry Humping: Good evening. Labour I think.
Me: Thank you for your input, Dry Humping.
Dry Humping: No worries ????

Me: Good afternoon, 9 inc obey. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
9 inc obey: Fuck off

Me: Good evening, 11donkeygodeep. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
11donkeygodeep: If u nice I support  the party u like

Me: Good evening, fart eater👟😏. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
fart eater👟😏: Lol
fart eater👟😏: Political campaigning at 1am on Grindr, this has gotten desperate!

Me: Good evening, Lust filled. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Lust filled: Either green or labour
Me: Do you have any preference between those two parties?
Lust filled: I think green because they care about the environment and they will end Brexit
Lust filled: But labour sound too good to be true in my opinion

Me: Good evening, ASS LICKER. 👅. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
ASS LICKER. 👅: Labour or Lib Dems
Me: Do you have any preference between those two parties?
ASS LICKER. 👅: I wanna remain, fuck Brexit
ASS LICKER. 👅: But then again Labour and Conservative are the biggest parties
ASS LICKER. 👅: So I'm like, am I wasting a vote if I vote Lib dems
ASS LICKER. 👅: You get me!? Xo

Me: Good evening, masageneeded. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
masageneeded: None
Me: Thank you anyway, masageneeded.
masageneeded: Want to suck my dick

Me: Good afternoon, Lkng4ASexFriend. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Lkng4ASexFriend: Politics???
Me: Yes.
Lkng4ASexFriend: Errmm
Lkng4ASexFriend: Don't usually discuss politics
Lkng4ASexFriend: Needless to say I'll be voting

Me: Good afternoon, DOMINANT TOP. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
DOMINANT TOP: Afternoon bitch ..
labour bitch ..
Me: Thank you for your input, DOMINANT TOP.
DOMINANT TOP: Ur most welcome bitch

Me: Good evening, M&F. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
M&F: Was gonna vote labour but corbyn is a twat
Me: And who have you turned to instead?
M&F: Boris

Me: Good evening, Date'able Top. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Date'able Top: Unfortunately, as one of the dirty foreigners here to steal jobs and women, I'm not allowed to vote. But if I could, I'd vote LibDem...I'm sympathetic to much of Labour's goals, but despair at its leadership'.

Me: Good afternoon, Standard DILF. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Standard DILF: Absolutely not the Tories. I suspect I will hold my nose and vote Labour. The last time I shifted to the Lib Dems they went into a coalition with the Tories. And I felt awful. But I am also going to read the Green manifesto tomorrow in detail

Me: Good evening, TOP Guy 100%. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
TOP Guy 100%: Not the Conservatives for sure I was thinking about the lib dems but she's Boris in a dress and I think she would side with Boris I was considering them because she said she would take brexit off the table so I guess it going to be labour

Me: Good evening, Sub Slut. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Sub Slut: You realise this is grindr not question time
Me: I do not realise that.
Sub Slut: I'm here for dick not politics

Me: Good evening, TIE & EDGE YOU. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
TIE & EDGE YOU: Ha!
TIE & EDGE YOU: It's so hard as I dislike all of them
TIE & EDGE YOU: But I will vote
TIE & EDGE YOU: At the end of the day the vote comes down to Tory or labour. There is no possibility of any others making government
TIE & EDGE YOU: I dislike Johnson as he is a liar but what Corbin threatens to do is so serious and will damage the country back to how it was in the 70s. It is hard to believe after living through that period that some misguided idealists believe his polices could work. If you think Brexit is bad, wait to see what he would do!
TIE & EDGE YOU: So begrudgingly it has to be a vote to keep him out

Me: Good evening, Home n Hsewrk. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Home n Hsewrk: I'm starting to think we should give control back to the monarchy and lock all the politicians up in the Tower of London as a tourist attraction
Me: Thank you for your input, Home n Hsewrk.
Home n Hsewrk: As that's not an option I'm still trying to work out which party is living in the same world as the rest of us Corbin is out in my book as his broadband scheme would ruin many businesses and inevitably raise unemployment also the cost would push up the national debt for no reason he b would vin just get votes for porn addicts plus his plans to give over Chequers to the homeless is ridiculous
Home n Hsewrk: As it's n in the middle of knowhere he should be pledging all this money to employ the homeless that can and want to work and compulsory purchase large empty property in London and other cities and turn them into homeless en-suite facilities with food provided

Me: Good afternoon, Kinky spank dad. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Kinky spank dad: Labour
Me: Thank you for your input, Kinky spank dad.
Kinky spank dad: Np do I get to spank you  now? !!!

Me: Good afternoon, Laganjaestranja. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Laganjaestranja: The Brexit party because I'm stupid and I want to vote for someone who is insulting me every day as a person of Color from the eu and from a worker family
Laganjaestranja: Or maybe the tories
Laganjaestranja: Priti pattel should be the front face of the tories she embodies it perfectly

Me: Good evening, Daddy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Daddy: Now there a question. Anything to stop Johnson getting in.
Me: So you're a top?
Daddy: Ha ha
Daddy: No perv kink sub

Me: Good evening, Domtop. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Domtop: And why does that concern u fucking idiot🤦🏼‍♂️
Me: This election concerns the whole country, Domtop.
Domtop: And do I fucking care 🤦🏼‍♂️
Me: Thank you anyway, Domtop.
Domtop: Cunt 🤦🏼‍♂️

Me: Good evening, cumslut4daddy/T. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
cumslut4daddy/T: Jezzer!
Me: Thank you for your input, cumslut4daddy/T.
cumslut4daddy/T: I feel like this is a meme account
cumslut4daddy/T: are you david lammy?
cumslut4daddy/T: if so, lemme see that cumrod

Me: Good afternoon, guy with pussy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
guy with pussy: My dick
Me: You've got it all, guy with pussy.
Me: Thank you for your input.
guy with pussy: Dose anyone in the general election what to suck my dick
guy with pussy: Witch party with suck

Me: Good evening, Who deepthroats. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Who deepthroats: Conservatives
Me: Thank you for your input, Who deepthroats.
Who deepthroats: No one very disappointed

Me: Good evening, Who's horny? 💦. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Who's horny? 💦: [gif of some guy saying 'YOU A CRAZY BITCH']
Me: I am a crazy bitch. Do you have an answer?
Who's horny? 💦: Wtf?! Who does that? I'm not telling you. What is your problem? Ffs

Me: Good evening, Kinky. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Kinky: Labour
Kinky: Labour
Me: It is an offence to vote more than once in an election, Kinky.

Me: Good afternoon, Hugenutz. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Hugenutz: [a photo of his ballot paper, with a cross next to Diane Abbott of the Labour Party]
Hugenutz: I already voted
Me: Good choice. Thank you for your input.
Hugenutz: It's a joke. It is really my ballot paper but she is a walking vegetable and if she is Home Secretary on Friday I'm not going to come back from Las Palmas where I am going tomorrow
Hugenutz: I hate her and all of you woke lefties
Hugenutz: But luckily you're in for five years of rule by the likes of US😂😂😂😂🤖😂
Hugenutz: 🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖🤖
Hugenutz: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

Me: Good afternoon, XXL Horny. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
XXL Horny: Labour. I defected earlier this year from The Conservatives when Mr Johnson became leader as I was one of his first career assassinations in a long night of job  dismissals both backstage staff like myself and cabinet MPs alike. The biggest cull in british political history. He is a dangerous charlatanic compulsive liar who cares about nothing and no one except his quest for power.
XXL Horny: Stereotypical politician on turbo powered crack.
XXL Horny: My defection was proven to be the right choice after the great purge of moderate MPs from my One Nation wing of the party. The Johnson Administration is One Nation in name only. The cabinet is filled to the brim with the most racist, lying, bigoted, wealthy serving, poverty ignorant members from the most loony tune extreme end of the party who think Mrs Thatcher didn't do enough. I'm disgusted.
XXL Horny: However what this country needs is change. A departure from market domination to a truly mixed economy of state and private enterprise to something of that seen in Western or Scandinavian Europe. I cite Germany, Denmark, Sweden and Norway as the way forward in tackling a wide range of problems that we face. Labour's current manifesto although promising a drastic increase in spending and
XXL Horny: Reprioritising our commitments would still have a slightly smaller expenditure than that of Germany who's economy is only slightly larger so the debt to income percentage won't be that much higher once the economic growth that will be created by the financial stimulus kicks in.
XXL Horny: Thursday is a once in a generation opportunity to make change happen whether it be on fairer taxation, social security, university tuition fees and lifelong learning, the NHS funding and provision, foreign affairs/defence, environmentalism, housing, energy bills, rail investment and bills, bus bills, BBC funding, technology, WiFi provision and the general cost of living. Brexit will also be dealt
XXL Horny: Labour will form a responsible exit deal that protects jobs, the economy and a wide array of protections first and foremost. That is the first role of any government is to protect its citizens. Labour's deal will do that as much as we can which does mean being in the Single Market and Customs Union. Almost a Norwegian arrangement if you like
XXL Horny: So this way we protect our citizens which is our primary goal whilst still exiting the European Union as far as we can which still respects the 2016 referendum result. So we are in no way insulting the majority leave voters by insinuating that they were wrong. But as this is a constitutional affair the deal we broker must be put to the people in another referendum of the two options that protect
XXL Horny: Our people - Labour's renegotiated deal or to remain. A deal that hurts our people we cannot put to the people as we would be contravening governments primary objective. This is a sensible way out whilst still giving people the opportunity to change their minds considering how flawed the last referendum was.

 

STATISTICS:

Of the 788 users I questioned, 270 responses were counted. 131 of these users settled on a party or candidate. Here are their results:

76.5% (101)Labour Party
12.1% (16)Conservative and Unionist Party
4.5% (6)Liberal Democrats
3.0% (4)Green Party
1.5% (2)Monster Raving Loony Party
0.8% (1)The Brexit Party
0.8% (1)Liberal Party
0.8% (1)Plaid Cymru

Here are the swings in support since my 2017 poll of London Grindr users:

Labour: UP 15.6%
Conservative: DOWN 3.5%
Lib Dem: DOWN 12.7%
Green: UP 3.0% (no votes in 2017)
Monster Raving Loony: DOWN 1.6%
Brexit Party: UP 0.8% (no votes in 2017)
Plaid Cymru: UP 0.8% (no votes in 2017)
Liberal Party: UP 0.8% (no votes in 2017)
UKIP: DOWN 3.1% (no votes in 2019)

A further 138 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

19 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

Some voters who were undecided, or unwilling to express support for one specific party over the others, still gave some indication of their preferences:

3Anything but Conservative or Brexit
2Anything but Conservative
2Labour or Lib Dem
2Labour or Green
1Lib Dem or Green
1Anything but Labour
1Anything but Brexit

In any case where a Grindr user was undecided on their final vote, but still able to pick a favourite party, they were counted towards that party’s tally. However, I also took note of any second preferences they volunteered.

  • 1 Green supporter is also considering voting Labour.
  • 1 Labour supporter is also considering voting Green.
  • 1 Labour supporter is also considering voting Conservative.

17 polled do not support any party, or stated that they were not going to vote. This includes 1 user who intends to spoil their ballot.

23 polled are not eligible to vote. Of those who gave reasons, 15 are not British residents, 1 missed the voter registration deadline, and 1 is underage.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

15General bewilderment
10Cryptic or incomprehensible
8Explicitly declined to answer
8Comedy answers ("The General Erection Party", "The Naughty Lad Party", "UKIP" etc)
8Rage/bile
6Miscellaneous evasion
6Lack of interest
6Just laughed at me
6Too horny to engage politically
6Nudes

Thank you for reading. Vote Labour.

(See also: Scottish Grindr users on the 2019 general election.)

Scottish Grindr users on the 2019 general election

On 12 December 2019, the United Kingdom will elect its 58th Parliament. I’ve previously polled Grindr users on the 2017 election, in Scotland and England, and the 2015 election, in Scotland and Wales, as well as on Scottish independence, Brexit, this year’s European election, and the 2016 US election. This time, I asked 619 Grindr users across the Central Belt of Scotland, in and around Edinburgh and Glasgow, who they’re supporting in this year’s general election.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good afternoon, Dirtytalk 😉. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Dirtytalk 😉: Really dude?
Me: Good evening, ArseLicker👅. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
ArseLicker👅: SNP
Me: Good evening, Face-Fuck me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Face-Fuck me: Tories
Me: Good morning, skint n hung. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
skint n hung: Labour of course
Me: Good morning, need dick badly. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
need dick badly: Sorry not 4 me but have a good one
Me: Good evening, bit of a 🐓sukr. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
bit of a 🐓sukr: Dunno yet, the jury is still out
Me: Do you have any preference at this stage?
bit of a 🐓sukr: Green party is appealing, but feels like a wasted vote
Me: Good evening, 2 horny bears. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
2 horny bears: Not sure they are all bams!!
Me: Good afternoon, Shaved Jambo. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Shaved Jambo: Only party for Scotland SNP all the way
Me: Good evening, Strong Scotch. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Strong Scotch: None of your business
Strong Scotch: I use this app for Sex
Not for discussion of my political stance
Me: Good evening, cuddle cub. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
cuddle cub: Hahaha! I know who I'm voting for. Do you?
Me: I don't, cuddle cub. Only Grindr can help me resolve this.
cuddle cub: I'll be voting lib Dems or SNP and I can tell you for why.
cuddle cub: But either way my seat is pretty safely SNP
cuddle cub: I'm not voting the big 2 because of their brexit stance. I don't agree with a lot of the greens energy and science policy, I don't agree with a lot of LD financial policy, and I'm not sold on Scottish independence either
Me: Good afternoon, Gordon 🏳️‍🌈. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Gordon 🏳️‍🌈: Ah hello, I've been expecting you. Currently undecided; usually a labour voter but open to changing that if tactical voting will keep the conservatives out.
Me: Who are you open to changing to, Gordon 🏳️‍🌈?
Gordon 🏳️‍🌈: SNP, I suppose. Lib dem would be a wasted vote imo.
Me: Who do you currently feel most inclined to, between Labour and the SNP?
Gordon 🏳️‍🌈: Probably labour. SNP don't seem to have any long term plans other than another indy ref
Me: Good evening, Pleasure btm. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Pleasure btm: None that u will be influencing anyway thats for sure
Me: Good afternoon, Fun times. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Fun times: Am not none of them to be trusted people voted out in the referendum and the result wasn't respected amongst all the scaremongering
Me: Good evening, 🎭. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
🎭: I'm an EU immigrant. I don't get the right to vote unless I spend £1.3k to become a british citizen
🎭: Taxation without representation is the card I've been dealt
Bi cur Dad: Hello
Me: Hello, Bi cur Dad. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Bi cur Dad: Any that will ensure a humiliating defeat for the lying party currently in power. Yourself ?
Me: I am undecided, Bi cur Dad. Only Grindr can help me resolve this.
Me: Which party do you think is most likely to ensure a humiliating defeat for the lying party currently in power?
Bi cur Dad: Haha an excellent place to look for advice.
Bi cur Dad: In my constituency probably Labour
Me: Good morning, 🍆💦🤤. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
🍆💦🤤: None. They'll all wankers
Me: Good evening, Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾: mmm probably SNP or greens
Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾: it's a shame Westminster still uses FPTP
Me: It is a shame. Do you have any preference between those two parties?
Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾: yeah the Green Party
Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾: but I guess me and thousands others will be voting tactically again
Ŝσⓨʙᗝ𝒾: so I will probably end up voting SNP
Me: Good morning, Fit Silver Fox. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Fit Silver Fox: It's a secret ballot ... the clue's in the name!
Me: Thank you anyway, Fit Silver Fox.
Fit Silver Fox: Thank you.
Me: Good evening, Dom 4 Sub. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Dom 4 Sub: Boris Johnson, let's get this shit done
Me: Thank you for your input, Dom 4 Sub.
Dom 4 Sub: Im a Dominant too looking for submissive slut
Me: Good evening, foot fun ???. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
foot fun ???: Why does that matter
Me: The future of this country is at stake, foot fun ???
foot fun ???: Yes love feet
Me: Good afternoon, tight rn. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
tight rn: whitever yin gies free wifi
Me: Free broadband is in the Labour manifesto.
tight rn: am staying clear eh that... ken whit al be green
Me: Thank you for your input, tight rn.
tight rn: Nae bother
Me: Good morning, hungdilf. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
hungdilf: The twink btm party
Me: Are they fielding candidates this year?
hungdilf: I hope so
Me: Thank you for your input, hungdilf.
hungdilf: That's what the last twink btm said!
Me: Good evening, Grg. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Grg: Probs snp tbh
Grg: Wbu?
Me: I am undecided, Grg. Only Grindr can help me resolve this.
Me: Thank you for your input.
Grg: Imo if ur in scotland u may as well vote for Scotland
Grg: Plus my mate knows Nicola sturgeon and she's apparently heavy sound
Me: Good evening, asweetcreamytop. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
asweetcreamytop: The DUP!
asweetcreamytop: All the way !
asweetcreamytop: Where are you??
Me: I am in Scotland. Are you not in Scotland?
asweetcreamytop: Not now
asweetcreamytop: 😬
asweetcreamytop: And in Scotland if I had the chance it definitely wouldn't be the SNP
asweetcreamytop: That devious bitch
Me: Good evening, IN TO YOUNGER. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
IN TO YOUNGER: I'm supporting my ERECTION
Me: Is it standing for election?
IN TO YOUNGER: It's always standing. I'm a advert for viagra
Me: Good evening, need abused. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
need abused: Which ever mp I can suck off
Me: Is there an MP you would particularly like to suck off?
need abused: Any as their assistant
need abused: Dressed like a slutty secretary
Me: Thank you for your input, need abused.
need abused: I need abused pleased
Me: Good evening, Dwarflord 🤴. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
🤴: Hey, I feel the only option for Scotland to have an influence in Westminster is to align with the party whom had the most block vote potential, which is the SNP. I don't agree with all their policies, but ultimately I feel the bigger picture is a tactical vote against the Tories and as gay men interested in sustaining our rights and those of other minorities the Tory influence must be challenged.
Me: Good morning, Bttm 4 Top. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Bttm 4 Top: I don't think any of your business really is it?
Me: Thank you anyway, Bttm 4 Top.
Bttm 4 Top: You do realise that isn't my name.
Me: Good morning, need it in me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
need it in me: Probs snp
Me: Thank you for your input, need it in me.
need it in me: Eh
need it in me: What u looking for mate
Me: That, mostly.
need it in me: What about putting it in my arse
Me: Good evening, A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈: SNP or Labour
Me: Do you have any preference between those two?
A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈: Bit torn
A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈: I've been impressed by the SNP's Brexit response but the anti-trans contingent are awful and in general I think they should be radical
A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈: Or more radical in their manifesto
A 🇪🇺🏳️‍🌈: Scottish Labour seem a bit useless, but I think the UK wide manifesto is great. And this is a UK election
Me: Good afternoon, Fuck me now. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Fuck me now: Labour you ?
Me: Probably the same. Thank you for your input, Fuck.
Fuck me now: Fuck when ?
Me: Good morning, Sugar Daddy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election?
Sugar Daddy: Why you wanting to know that
Me: This is the only thing that gets me off, Sugar Daddy.
Sugar Daddy: Let's see your horny pics then son
Me: [a picture of Jeremy Corbyn]
Me: [a picture of Diane Abbott]
Me: [a picture of John McDonnell]
Me: [a picture of Emily Thornberry]
(He blocked me after that.)

STATISTICS:

Of the 621 users I managed to question before I was banned from Grindr, 215 responses were counted. 96 of these users settled on a party or candidate. Here are their results:

52.1% (50)Scottish National Party (SNP)
21.9% (21)Labour Party
8.3% (8)Conservative and Unionist Party
7.3% (7)Monster Raving Loony Party
6.3% (6)Green Party
1.0% (1)Liberal Democrats
1.0% (1)Democratic Unionist Party
1.0% (1)Sinn Féin
1.0% (1)Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality

(Nobody expressed support for the Brexit Party or UKIP.)

Here are the swings in support since my 2017 poll of Scottish Grindr users:

SNP: DOWN 0.6%
Labour: DOWN 3.6%
Conservative: DOWN 2.6%
Monster Raving Loony: UP 5.5%
Green: UP 1.6%
Lib Dem: DOWN 2.6%
DUP: UP 1% (no votes in 2017)
Sinn Féin: UP 1% (no votes in 2017)
CURE: UP 1% (no votes in 2017)
Communist: DOWN 0.6% (no votes in 2019)

A further 119 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

23 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

Some voters who were undecided, or unwilling to express support for one specific party over the others, still gave some indication of their preferences:

3Anything but Conservative
2SNP or Labour
2SNP or Lib Dem
1SNP or Green
1Anything but SNP

In any case where a Grindr user was undecided on their final vote, but still able to pick a favourite party, they were counted towards that party’s tally. However, I also took note of any second preferences they volunteered.

  • 3 SNP supporters are also considering voting Labour.
  • 2 SNP supporters are also considering voting Green.
  • 1 SNP supporter is also considering voting Lib Dem.
  • 1 Labour supporter is also considering voting SNP.

14 polled do not support any party, or stated that they were not going to vote.

14 polled are not eligible to vote. Of those who gave reasons, 11 are not British residents, and 1 trans user is unable to vote due to complications of applying for a name change.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

12Explicitly declined to answer
11Miscellaneous evasion
9Cryptic or incomprehensible
9General bewilderment
9Too horny to engage politically
7Comedy answers ("S Club", "SuBo", "the assparty" etc.)
5Lack of interest
3Just laughed at me
3Just replied “hi” or “hello” or something, ignoring the opening question, and proceeded to attempt a conversation like it was never asked

This is about as illuminating as any other poll you’ll read this month. Vote out the Tories on Thursday, and I’ll thank you for your input.

Scottish Grindr users on the 2019 European election

On 23 May 2019, member states of the European Union will elect MEPs to the European Parliament. Despite its best efforts, the United Kingdom is still an EU member state, and will be participating.

I’ve previously polled Grindr users on BrexitScottish independence, the 2016 US election, the 2015 UK general election in Scotland and in Wales, and the 2017 election in Scotland and in England. This time, I asked 1,024 Grindr users across the Central Belt of Scotland, in and around Edinburgh and Glasgow, who they’re supporting in this year’s European election.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good evening, NeedFilled. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
NeedFilled: The party that promises to let me have your cock in my ass tonight
Me: Good evening, Skinnt teeen. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Skinnt teeen: Snp mother fucker
Me: Good evening, Milker/Edger. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Milker/Edger: Change UK
Me: Good evening, 🐮MoooManMilk🐄. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
🐮MoooManMilk🐄: X
🐮MoooManMilk🐄: Oops typo lol
🐮MoooManMilk🐄: The brexit party of course n morning just got ur message
Me: Good morning, fuck my throat. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
fuck my throat: Bit personal
Me: Good evening, Young Sub. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Young Sub: Not too sure yet, possibly the Lib Dems
Me: Thank you for your input, Young Sub.
Young Sub: Why does it matter haha
Me: Our votes could have pan-European implications, Young Sub.
Young Sub: I mean I support Brexit if that's what you're asking and no that does not by any implication make me right wing, I'm a centre-left libertarian
Daddy visiting: Hello
Me: Hello, Daddy visiting. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Daddy visiting: Ukip
Me: Thank you for your input, Daddy visiting.
Daddy visiting: Ha ha. I'm a remained but feel abandoned by the other parties
Me: Good evening, Salt Spreading. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Salt Spreading: Wtf
Me: Are you undecided, Salt Spreading?
Salt Spreading: No.
Salt Spreading: Do you want something else? 🤷
Me: No, Salt Spreading, this is about the extent of it.
Salt Spreading: European elections? Good luck with that chat
Visiting4fun: Hi
Me: Hi, Visiting4fun. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Visiting4fun: Usually vote Tory (ducks!)
Visiting4fun: Not sure that says much in this election.
Me: Are the Conservatives particularly unpalatable to you in this specific election?
Visiting4fun: Not doing so well on the negotiating brexit thing.
Me: Is there a party you believe would do a better job?
Visiting4fun: No. I think the PM is in an impossible position
Me: Good evening, Sexy muscle dad. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Sexy muscle dad: Why are you asking any one that supports social justice fair wage a clamp down on corporate control of the market place and government
Me: Which party do you believe most supports social justice, a fair wage, and a clampdown on corporate control of the marketplace and government?
Sexy muscle dad: Jeremy Corban
Me: Good evening, Brandon. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Brandon: Heyhey
Brandon: Green probably
Brandon: Usually SNP but their shit response to the transphobia in their party lately has put me off
Me: Good evening, R. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
R: Good question
R: Lib Dem's
R: You?
Me: I remain undecided for the time being. Thank you for your input, R.
R: You're welcome
R: Happy to offer reasons if you want
R: Good luck in your deciding
Me: What are your reasons, R?
R: Well mostly I want to send a strong pro-Remain message but I'm not a nationalist so wouldn't want to vote for the SNP or the Greens, and Labour have been trying to ride both horses on Brexit so I don't trust them
Craig: Hi
Me: Good afternoon, Craig. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Craig: Haven't a clue yourself?
Me: I am also undecided, Craig. Only Grindr can help me resolve this.
Craig: Why don't you bend over and let me fuck you and we can talk whilst I am in you.
Me: Good evening, hot and sweaty. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
hot and sweaty: Upcoming elections are a farce, this country will be dragged kicking and screaming from the EU because of the right wing gov
Me: Good evening, Kinky Perve. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Kinky Perve: Straight into the really dark kinky stuff hey?
Kinky Perve: Undecided at the moment. How about you? Do you have a favourite? Or maybe least worst?
Me: I am also undecided, Kinky Perve. Only Grindr can help me resolve this.
Kinky Perve: Not blue. Maybe red. Maybe green? Is this a purple? Or is that ShitKip? Yellows are a bit meh. Not much on the leaflet through the door from Change. Then one of them changed his mind didn't he. I just want Kathy Burke to win.
Grindr user: Wanna get pants at your ankles?
Me: Not right now, Grindr user, but thank you for the offer. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Grindr user: Will spoil my ballot
Grindr user: No options for me
Grindr user: Aresholes
birthday: Looking for a dark room bj
Me: Thank you for letting me know, birthday. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
birthday: SNP. You?
Me: Undecided, but quite possibly the same. Thank you for your input, birthday.
birthday: You're welcome. I voted for indy, but based on the stupidity of the Westminster system and those on offer. I'll do the same until things change
Me: Good evening, I Suk U Now GH. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
I Suk U Now GH: The party that shoot hot cum in my mouth 😉
Me: Good evening, SLAVE 2 f*ck. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
SLAVE 2 f*ck: an anti Brexit one
Me: Do you have a specific anti-Brexit party in mind?
SLAVE 2 f*ck: not finally decided till i read their manifestos
Me: A sensible position to take, SLAVE 2 f*ck.
SLAVE 2 f*ck: much easier to decide which parties not to vote for
Me: Good morning, need - fuked!. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
need - fuked!: ??? Erm.... it's nearly 6am on a sat morning. Been partying all night and thats the very last question I want to hear lol
Me: Would you prefer to hear the question at a different time?
need - fuked!: I would prefer not to hear the question at all.
Me: Good evening, 8' for Trans. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
8' for Trans: My views are right wing so guess 😂
Me: The parties on the ballot that are generally characterised as right-wing are:
• Conservative and Unionist Party
• The Brexit Party
• UK Independence Party (UKIP)
8' for Trans: Brexit party, love my boi farage 😂
Me: Thank you for your input, 8' for Trans.
8' for Trans: No problem
8' for Trans: I may have right wing views, but i love a girly smooth t girl on my dick
Me: Good evening, Ben need to suk. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Ben need to suk: I'm voting for the who the fuck cares anymore party.the country is fucked now anyway
Me: Good morning, totally decent. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
totally decent: My own business . Sorry
Me: Thank you anyway, totally decent.
totally decent: Strange place and way to run a poll
totally decent: Not angry more just annoyed.
Me: Good evening, bottomuseme. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
bottomuseme: SNP
Me: Thank you for your input, bottomuseme.
bottomuseme: That's ok what party you supporting,wish you were putting it in me lol
Me: I remain undecided for the time being, bottomuseme, but the SNP are certainly in contention.
bottomuseme: Time to get rid of London,they're black hole has to be same as hours if indeed there is one,we are one of the richest countries in world,it's time people stopped listening to British lies,and become a nation at heart of Europe,not part of 300 years of poverty for some people because of London greedy government
Me: Good evening, watch U cm. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
watch U cm: The party in your pants
watch U cm: Let's see you
Me: Good evening, pick up an fuck. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
pick up an fuck: Who the fuck asks that on Grindr?
Me: Me, pick up an fuck.
pick up an fuck: What are you voting?
Me: I am undecided for the time being, pick up an fuck.
pick up an fuck: Why do you keep repeating that?
Me: Good evening, drunk/horny. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
drunk/horny: What
Me: Countries of the EU are electing MEPs to the European Parliament in 7 days' time, drunk/horny.
drunk/horny: I know that but what that got to do with u being drunk an horny
Me: Good morning, hot ass. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
hot ass: [a photo of his ass]
Me: Is that on the ballot, hot ass?
hot ass: Yes
Me: Good evening, EXTRACT UR C#M. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
EXTRACT UR C#M: Who fucking cares
Me: Europe cares, EXTRACT UR C#M.
EXTRACT UR C#M: Reported you
Me: Good evening, Hung 4 Younger. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Hung 4 Younger: None of them .  I've given up politics in despair.
Hung 4 Younger:  ( I haven't given up sucking a nice cock though ......)
Me: Good morning, Chris. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
Chris: No idea
Me: Thank you anyway, Chris.
Chris: I didn't realise there was an election
Me: It's on May 23, Chris.
Chris: Ok
Chris: Thanks for letting me know
Me: You're welcome, Chris.
Chris: But I'm on here looking for sex
Me: Good evening, vagrant. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election?
vagrant: None its meaningless shit that normal people couldn't give on tiny shit about
vagrant: Being under 50
Me: Thank you anyway, vagrant.
vagrant: I swear if that end up online again like last time

STATISTICS:

Of the 1,024 users I questioned, 406 responses were counted. 133 of these users settled on a party or candidate. Here are their results:

48.0% (60)Scottish National Party (SNP)
18.4% (23)Scottish Green Party
10.4% (13)The Brexit Party
8.8% (11)
Liberal Democrats
5.6% (7)Conservative and Unionist Party
4.8% (6)
Labour Party
2.4% (3)UK Independence Party (UKIP)
1.6% (2)Change UK – The Independent Group

In addition, some votes were received for parties and candidates who are not on the Scottish ballot. These were:

2Unidas Podemos
2Lord Buckethead
1Monster Raving Loony Party
1German Green Party
1Die Linke
1Democracy for Europe (DiEM25)

A further 273 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

46 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

Some voters who were undecided, or unwilling to express support for one specific party over the others, still gave some indication of their preferences:

7Any nominally Remain-supporting/anti-Brexit party
2Green, Lib Dem, or SNP
2Green or SNP
2Anything but The Brexit Party
1Change UK or Labour
1Change UK or Lib Dem
1Green or Labour
1Green or Lib Dem
1Lib Dem or SNP
1Anything but Conservative
1Anything but SNP

In any case where a Grindr user was undecided on their final vote, but still able to pick a favourite party, they were counted towards that party’s tally. However, I also noted their second preferences.

  • 7 SNP supporters are also considering voting Green.
  • 1 Lib Dem supporter is also considering voting Green.
  • 1 SNP supporter is also considering voting Lib Dem.
  • 1 Brexit supporter is also considering voting UKIP.


44 polled do not support any party, or stated that they were not going to vote. This includes 1 respondent who intends to spoil their ballot.

27 are not eligible to vote. Of those who gave reasons, 17 are not European citizens, 5 are travelling or busy on election day and unable to arrange a postal or proxy vote, 3 missed the registration deadline, and 1 is underage.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

27Miscellaneous evasion
22Explicitly declined to answer
18Too horny to engage politically
17General bewilderment
14Lack of interest
13Cryptic or incomprehensible
10Comedy answers ("S Club", "Jedi", "my own ass" etc.)
8Just replying “hi” or “hello” or something, ignoring the opening question, and proceeding to attempt a conversation like it was never asked
6General hostility
6Unaware there was an election happening
5Just laughed at me
5General nihilism (what's the point, we're all fucked etc.)
5Thought I was talking about Eurovision

Finally, let’s go back to the parties’ votes and calculate how they’d equate to MEPs. In European Parliament elections, the UK uses the D’Hondt system, in which each seat is given to the party with the greatest number of votes, divided by one plus the number of those already allocated to that party. Each MEP would be as follows:

60SNPMEP #1: Alyn Smith, the SNP’s 1st candidate.
23Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

30 (60/2)SNPMEP #2: Christian Allard, the SNP’s 2nd candidate.
23Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

20 (60/3)SNP
23GreenMEP #3: Maggie Chapman, the Greens’ 1st candidate.
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

20 (60/3)SNPMEP #4: Aileen Macleod, the SNP’s 3rd candidate.
11.5 (23/2)Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

15 (60/4)SNPMEP #5: Margaret Ferrier, the SNP’s 4th candidate.
11.5 (23/2)Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

12 (60/5)SNP
11.5 (23/2)Green
13BrexitMEP #6: Louis Stedman-Bryce, the Brexit Party’s 1st candidate.
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

If only Grindr users vote on May 23, Scotland will elect 4 SNP MEPs, 1 Green MEP, and 1 Brexit MEP.

Corporal punishment methods in US schools

Corporal punishment in public schools is still legal in 22 US states. I work as a self-employed superintendent in all 22 of these states, and in the spirit of full disclosure, here is the full list of punishment techniques I encourage teachers to practise.

Paddle. For standard usage.

Paddle with a nail in it. Should only be used on special occasions.

Riding crop. Do not actually ride the child, unless they are in fact a horse, in which case do not actually ride the horse.

Slipper. Be careful that this isn’t a gateway to more extreme footwear, like cleats or ice skates – it’s a slipper slope.

Flogger. This is when you send the troublesome child out into traffic.

Leather strap. A cow died for this – and rightly so

Cane. If you don’t have a cane, just find some decrepit guy doddering about outside and take his. Old bastards are super into corporal punishment and won’t mind.

Birch. Absorbs blood easily, so be careful you don’t go giving them all sex diseases. That would be funny but tbh a bit much

Whip. Did you know black children are disproportionately beaten by teachers in US schools? Well, let’s go all in! Slavery is back, baby! Yeah!

Truncheon. While creative use is encouraged, do NOT I repeat do NOT I repeat do NOT fuck them, unless you’re SURE they won’t enjoy it.

Carpet beater. For when the carpet is giving you lip

Quirt. Please keep this in contemporary usage. If it falls into obsolescence, that’s one less Q word in the Scrabble dictionary. Quirt the shit out of anyone who gets too quisquous

Blender. I don’t mean the actual blade bit, I’m not mad. Just hit them with the main body of the blender. Psychological and that.

Gun. Why do you THINK we’re pushing to arm teachers? Pistol-whip those motherfuckers. Do NOT shoot them except by accident. Please shoot them by accident as much as you like.

40 lashes… eyelashes, that is! Haha, yeah, it’s not that bad, sorry to worry you. We just pull out all forty of your eyelashes one by one. Tweezer time bitch

40 strokes… strokes, that is! This is where we gently caress your hair, as you suffer a series of debilitating cerebral haemorrhages, and at such a young age. It’s awful, and there’s nothing to be done.

Corporal Punishment from Robot Wars. Americans won’t even know who this is and I don’t think it would be very effective. Just a silver box really. Waste of FUCKING time.

259 from Robot Wars. Now we’re talking

Hot sauce in their mouth. NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT cum.

Fasces. We just have a lot of them lying around and I can’t remember why.

Circumcision. If they’ve got a foreskin, then tug hard on it until it goes black and falls off. ONLY for boy pupils. Do NOT female genital mutilate any girls. We have to draw the line somewhere, and apparently it’s there.

Crocodiles

Catherine wheel. IMPORTANT: DO NOT USE IF THERE IS A PUPIL NAMED ‘CATHERINE’. SHE WILL BE UNFAIRLY SINGLED OUT AND BULLIED.

Ass whoopin’. Just good old ass whoopin’

Bukkake. Honestly this takes more preparation than it’s worth and it’s pretty bad optics.

Ice cream scoop. Methodically carve out spheres of their ass (or, as we say in the United States of America, “ass”)

Sneakers” or “tennis shoes”. That’s my attempt to convert “gym shoes” to American. In the UK they’re also called “plimsoll shoes” or “pumps”. Yeah bitch, that’s what pump means in the UK, along with “sex” and “fart”. What the fuck kind of gay ass shit is “plimsoll”. Fuck you

Monster truck. Damn. HELL yeah

Nuclear war. Duck and cover! Duck and cover! Go to the designated death zone under your desk now please.

Paddle. Throw them in a pool and watch them paddle. If they can swim, this is not an effective punishment. Hit them with a paddle to knock them underwater, like those canoe guys do to Coco in the jet-ski levels of Crash Bandicoot 3 – and rightly so.

A comment saying “didn’t do me any harm!” under an article debating whether corporal punishment is okay. Show this to a child to really make them wince. I spend my time advocating child abuse in comment sections while implicitly regarding myself as an aspirational figure. Far more painful than any actual corporal punishment you can administer.

Anything goes, so long as we don’t have to cover any medical bills. You break it you bought it

I hope that clears that up. These are all fine, and it’s fine if we keep doing them.

Which Ann Widdecombe Defender Are You?

Ann Widdecombe is currently a popular housemate in Celebrity Big Brother. What’s YOUR reason for wanting her to win? Choose from the options below:

  1. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s reductive to judge her solely on the things she thinks, says, and does”

  2. “Yes, she has terrible views, but homophobia is just a charming personality quirk”

  3. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s just a harmless innocent little old lady, it’s not like she was an MP or a cabinet minister or anything like that”

  4. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she doesn’t apologise for them”

  5. “Yes, she has terrible views, but this is Year of the WOMAN, and it’s only fitting that it be won by someone who hates women”

  6. “Yes, she has terrible views, but challenging her on them, no matter how graciously or tactfully, is victimising her”

  7. “Yes, she has terrible views, but as a former politician who has held more power and influence than anybody else in the show, she’s a real underdog”

  8. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she obfuscates them with vacuous platitudes about being kind to others, and I am very easily fooled”

  9. “Yes, she has terrible views, but you’ve got to respect the long, successful career she’s had trying to enforce those terrible views on others”

  10. “Yes, she has terrible views, but people who stand up for LGBT rights are SO annoying”

  11. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she doesn’t push them in your face, except for that one time when she devoted her 23-year parliamentary career to enshrining them in law”

  12. “Yes, she has terrible views, but that doesn’t mean the person who is overwhelmingly defined by those views is terrible”

  13. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s not like she JUDGES the people whose rights she has actively, relentlessly sought to deny”

  14. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s self-assured, and I’m insecure enough to find that an admirable trait in and of itself”

  15. “Yes, she has terrible views, but the REAL victims are people who are challenged for their terrible views”

  16. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s really impressive that this show managed to book someone who’s spent most of the past decade as a professional reality TV star”

  17. “Yes, she has terrible views, but if shy fragile outsider Amanda Barrie and radical establishment threat Wayne Sleep OBE don’t feel personally attacked by her, why should anybody else?”

  18. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’M secure in my sexuality, and can’t conceive of anyone more vulnerable than myself”

  19. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I perceive the absolute mildest challenge to those views to be a militant display of tubthumping”

  20. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s just an OPINION!”

  21. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she’s prepared to tolerate people with differing views, unless they fight for, express, or hold them in any meaningful regard”

  22. “Yes, she has terrible views, but in spite of constant overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still like to pretend conservatives are an oppressed minority in 2018”

  23. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we have gay rights now anyway, which is clearly proof that nothing good can come of challenging people like Ann”

  24. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s so CUTE! Patronising the elderly is ADORABLE!”

  25. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should take people as we find them, and if we find that they’re homophobes, well, we should just ignore that”

  26. “Yes, she has terrible views, but hypothetically, what if the gay person in the house who disagrees with her intolerance had ironically failed to tolerate HER? The fact that he does isn’t really important to me, please just go along with my interesting thought experiment”

  27. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should respect our wise, vulnerable elders. The poor lady is nearly as old as Donald Trump”

  28. “Yes, she has terrible views, but live and let live! I don’t know what irony is”

  29. “Yes, she has terrible views, but what if NOT having terrible views has gone TOO FAR?”

  30. “Yes, she has terrible views, but people are so easily offended these days. Why can’t they get upset about something that matters, like Shane Jenek wearing Speedos?”

  31. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she reminds me of my disgusting bigoted hate-filled grandmother, who I love”

  32. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I also voted for Coleen Nolan, so I’m in deep at this point”

  33. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’m only against homophobia until anybody actually stands up to homophobia in any way whatsoever”

  34. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she opposes the infliction of pain as a source of entertainment. As she can attest, it should only be the source of a political career”

  35. “Yes, she has terrible views, but someone from the Apprentice called her a cunt”

  36. “Yes, she has terrible views, but making me question my moral dissonance is a personal attack”

  37. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she’s much more homophobic and had much more actual political influence than that awful Winston McKenzie”

  38. “Yes, she has terrible views, but her political career is over. It’s good and in no way disturbing that she’s reinvented herself as a harmless entertainment figure”

  39. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I have Stockholm syndrome after 8 years of Tory rule”

  40. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should judge her by what she’s done IN THE HOUSE, where her homophobia has only manifested as constant passive-aggressive eyerolls, spurious nomination reasons, and a generally uncomfortable, oppressive atmosphere”

  41. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I admire her conviction. It would be bad if she just had those views a bit… but that she EXTREMELY has them, is actually very good”

  42. “Yes, she has terrible views, but Maggie Oliver arrested me for sex trafficking”

  43. “Yes, she has terrible views, but this isn’t ABOUT politics. The fact that a significant proportion of the housemates and the public are upset with her closest rival for disagreeing with her views in absurdly courteous and diplomatic terms is NOTHING to do with politics”

  44. “Yes, she has terrible views, but so do I”

  45. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she had a point when she said we should be more like Mother Teresa (colonialist con artist) and less like Jordan (previous winner of the show Ann is currently competing in)”

  46. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I am SICK of the harrassment from imaginary gay activists constantly abusing me for liking her”

  47. “Yes, she has terrible views, but, like, she’s old, she probably has Alzheimer’s or something. Maybe we ALL have Alzheimer’s and we’re actually misremembering everything she’s done, huh? Did you think of that? Did you?”

  48. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I am legally obliged to state that Ann isn’t here to defend herself, so let’s move on”

  49. “Yes, she has terrible views, but gay people upset to see broad adulation for a former MP who voted against equalised age of consent laws are just oversensitive snowflakes. Why are they taking it PERSONALLY that a large sector of the voting audience loves someone who thinks you should be convicted rapists for sleeping with 20-year-olds?”

  50. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’m one of those anthropomorphised unborn fetuses you get in anti-abortion propaganda cartoons”

  51. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I want her to win to stick it to the gay activists who call her fans homophobic! Voting for a homophobe specifically to upset gay people will prove that I am not, personally, a homophobe”

  52. “Yes, she has terrible views, but stop TALKING about it! I don’t want to KNOW!”

  53. “Yes, she has terrible views, but laws against the promotion of homosexuality could have taken down this bad Tumblr, so every cloud and all that”

  54. “Yes, she has terrible views, but how boring would it be if EVERYONE agreed, and gay people were ALL free to live their lives without fear of persecution from ANYONE?”

  55. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I refuse to stand in the way of Big Brother’s long, proud history of bestowing imaginary redemption arcs on terrible people who have done nothing whatsoever to redeem themselves”

  56. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s just an entertainment show, and gay viewers who are unsettled to see a mainstream uprising of contempt for them should shut up and let the rest of us enjoy it”

  57. “Yes, she has terrible views, but you have to understand… January 2018 was a very different time”

Prince Philip’s best gaffes: Duke of Edinburgh’s 20 wittiest remarks as he retires aged 96

PRINCE Philip is renowned for his witty one-liners and off-the-cuff remarks. Branded a “national treasure” by the press (us) for his inability to curb his quick wit, here’s a round-up of the retiring Queen’s consort’s most memorable witticisms.

1. UGGGHH. I FUCKEN HATE ASIANS
(in 1995, pointing at Nelson Mandela on a visit to South Africa)

2. I DECLARE THIS THING OPEN, WHATEVER IT IS
(in 1997, bending over and distending his anus with both hands for a portrait that would later become known as “goatse”).

3. DROP DEAD YOU FUCKEN SLUT
(in Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a local woman, and again later that night in bed to his wife, the Queen).

4. ARE YOU GONNA SHINE MY SHOES, MY BELOVED BLACK BUTLER BARACK OBAMA. HOW ABOUT ANSWER ME BITCH
(speaking to singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance).

5. AUGHH ME FUCKEN ROTTEN BLADDER. ME FUCKEN PISS STINGS LIKE FUCK
(in 2012, while being admitted to King Edward VII Hospital with a bladder infection).

6. YASSS I FUCKEN LOVE HITLER
(in 1997, to German Chancellor Helmut Kohl at a trade fair, who then clarified that he was not Hitler, to Prince Philip’s disappointment).

7. WHATEVER. IDGAF
(in 1996, during and after the Dunblane massacre, and shortly before unloading 6 bullets into his temple in protest at the calls for a firearm ban, to no ill effect).

8. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. IM BLACK
(in 1986, to a group of British exchange students staying in the city of Xi’an, narrowing his eyes, pinching his eyelids and surrounding skin, and rapidly tugging it side to side, making a ‘shlup shlup shlup’ sound).

9. LMAO
(in 1997, while being informed of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales).

10. THE FUCKEN… CHINESE. BUNCH OF TRANNIES
(in 1994, apropos of nothing).

11. DEAF???? NO WONDER – YOU MUST HAVE HAD AN EARFUL FROM MY WIFE (THE QUEEN)!
(to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999. The deaf children laughed as the Queen subsequently gave him a clip round the ear, and Prince Philip wittily retorted by punching her in the face).

12. DEAF???? THANK FUCK FOR THAT
(5 minutes later to the same children, before doing a really loud fart).

13. DEAF???? NO WONDER – I JUST DID A REALLY LOUD FART
(3 minutes later to the same children, who were by this point crying).

14. HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UR FAGGOT ASS MOUTH AND SHOOT UR FUCKEN LOAD OVER MY FACE AFTER CONFUSING ME FOR A GIANT FUCKEN SEXY GAY BALLBAG
(muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform, 2001).

15. BITCH
(in 1974, referring to the entire continent of Asia).

16. YOU CANTONESE WILL EAT ANYTHING. BET YOUSE WILL FUCKEN EAT THIS: MY GHASTLY PUSTULENT ASSHOLE. YOU HEARD ME BITCH
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

17. IF IT HAS GOT FOUR LEGS AND IT IS NOT A CHAIR, IF IT HAS GOT TWO WINGS AND IT FLIES BUT IS NOT AN AEROPLANE, AND IF IT SWIMS AND IT IS NOT A SUBMARINE: IM GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

18. IF IT DOESN’T FART OR EAT HAY: IM NOT GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

19. DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? IM RACIST
(in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who did not recognise him).

20. URNNNGHGH IM GUNNA CUM. SPUNKEN ME RACIST SPUNK. PLANTEN THE SEEDS OF DISCRIMINATION ALL UP IN YOUR SLUTTY ARSE GUTS
(in 2017, while engaging in anal sex with his wife, the Queen).

We’ll miss you, Grandpa Phil!