MACHOTROUTS

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Scottish Grindr users on the 2019 European election

Posted on by machotrouts

On 23 May 2019, member states of the European Union will elect MEPs to the European Parliament. Despite its best efforts, the United Kingdom is still an EU member state, and will be participating.

I’ve previously polled Grindr users on Brexit, Scottish independence, the 2016 US election, the 2015 UK general election in Scotland and in Wales, and the 2017 election in Scotland and in England. This time, I asked 1,024 Grindr users across the Central Belt of Scotland, in and around Edinburgh and Glasgow, who they’re supporting in this year’s European election.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good evening, NeedFilled. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? NeedFilled: The party that promises to let me have your cock in my ass tonight
Me: Good evening, Skinnt teeen. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Skinnt teeen: Snp mother fucker
Me: Good evening, Milker/Edger. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Milker/Edger: Change UK
Me: Good evening, 🐮MoooManMilk🐄. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? 🐮MoooManMilk🐄: X 🐮MoooManMilk🐄: Oops typo lol 🐮MoooManMilk🐄: The brexit party of course n morning just got ur message
Me: Good morning, fuck my throat. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? fuck my throat: Bit personal
Me: Good evening, Young Sub. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Young Sub: Not too sure yet, possibly the Lib Dems Me: Thank you for your input, Young Sub. Young Sub: Why does it matter haha Me: Our votes could have pan-European implications, Young Sub. Young Sub: I mean I support Brexit if that's what you're asking and no that does not by any implication make me right wing, I'm a centre-left libertarian
Daddy visiting: Hello Me: Hello, Daddy visiting. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Daddy visiting: Ukip Me: Thank you for your input, Daddy visiting. Daddy visiting: Ha ha. I'm a remained but feel abandoned by the other parties
Me: Good evening, Salt Spreading. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Salt Spreading: Wtf Me: Are you undecided, Salt Spreading? Salt Spreading: No. Salt Spreading: Do you want something else? 🤷 Me: No, Salt Spreading, this is about the extent of it. Salt Spreading: European elections? Good luck with that chat
Visiting4fun: Hi Me: Hi, Visiting4fun. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Visiting4fun: Usually vote Tory (ducks!) Visiting4fun: Not sure that says much in this election. Me: Are the Conservatives particularly unpalatable to you in this specific election? Visiting4fun: Not doing so well on the negotiating brexit thing. Me: Is there a party you believe would do a better job? Visiting4fun: No. I think the PM is in an impossible position
Me: Good evening, Sexy muscle dad. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Sexy muscle dad: Why are you asking any one that supports social justice fair wage a clamp down on corporate control of the market place and government Me: Which party do you believe most supports social justice, a fair wage, and a clampdown on corporate control of the marketplace and government? Sexy muscle dad: Jeremy Corban
Me: Good evening, Brandon. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Brandon: Heyhey Brandon: Green probably Brandon: Usually SNP but their shit response to the transphobia in their party lately has put me off
Me: Good evening, R. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? R: Good question R: Lib Dem's R: You? Me: I remain undecided for the time being. Thank you for your input, R. R: You're welcome R: Happy to offer reasons if you want R: Good luck in your deciding Me: What are your reasons, R? R: Well mostly I want to send a strong pro-Remain message but I'm not a nationalist so wouldn't want to vote for the SNP or the Greens, and Labour have been trying to ride both horses on Brexit so I don't trust them
Craig: Hi Me: Good afternoon, Craig. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Craig: Haven't a clue yourself? Me: I am also undecided, Craig. Only Grindr can help me resolve this. Craig: Why don't you bend over and let me fuck you and we can talk whilst I am in you.
Me: Good evening, hot and sweaty. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? hot and sweaty: Upcoming elections are a farce, this country will be dragged kicking and screaming from the EU because of the right wing gov
Me: Good evening, Kinky Perve. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Kinky Perve: Straight into the really dark kinky stuff hey? Kinky Perve: Undecided at the moment. How about you? Do you have a favourite? Or maybe least worst? Me: I am also undecided, Kinky Perve. Only Grindr can help me resolve this. Kinky Perve: Not blue. Maybe red. Maybe green? Is this a purple? Or is that ShitKip? Yellows are a bit meh. Not much on the leaflet through the door from Change. Then one of them changed his mind didn't he. I just want Kathy Burke to win.
Grindr user: Wanna get pants at your ankles? Me: Not right now, Grindr user, but thank you for the offer. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Grindr user: Will spoil my ballot Grindr user: No options for me Grindr user: Aresholes
birthday: Looking for a dark room bj Me: Thank you for letting me know, birthday. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? birthday: SNP. You? Me: Undecided, but quite possibly the same. Thank you for your input, birthday. birthday: You're welcome. I voted for indy, but based on the stupidity of the Westminster system and those on offer. I'll do the same until things change
Me: Good evening, I Suk U Now GH. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? I Suk U Now GH: The party that shoot hot cum in my mouth 😉
Me: Good evening, SLAVE 2 f*ck. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? SLAVE 2 f*ck: an anti Brexit one Me: Do you have a specific anti-Brexit party in mind? SLAVE 2 f*ck: not finally decided till i read their manifestos Me: A sensible position to take, SLAVE 2 f*ck. SLAVE 2 f*ck: much easier to decide which parties not to vote for
Me: Good morning, need - fuked!. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? need - fuked!: ??? Erm.... it's nearly 6am on a sat morning. Been partying all night and thats the very last question I want to hear lol Me: Would you prefer to hear the question at a different time? need - fuked!: I would prefer not to hear the question at all.
Me: Good evening, 8' for Trans. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? 8' for Trans: My views are right wing so guess 😂 Me: The parties on the ballot that are generally characterised as right-wing are: • Conservative and Unionist Party • The Brexit Party • UK Independence Party (UKIP) 8' for Trans: Brexit party, love my boi farage 😂 Me: Thank you for your input, 8' for Trans. 8' for Trans: No problem 8' for Trans: I may have right wing views, but i love a girly smooth t girl on my dick
Me: Good evening, Ben need to suk. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Ben need to suk: I'm voting for the who the fuck cares anymore party.the country is fucked now anyway
Me: Good morning, totally decent. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? totally decent: My own business . Sorry Me: Thank you anyway, totally decent. totally decent: Strange place and way to run a poll totally decent: Not angry more just annoyed.
Me: Good evening, bottomuseme. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? bottomuseme: SNP Me: Thank you for your input, bottomuseme. bottomuseme: That's ok what party you supporting,wish you were putting it in me lol Me: I remain undecided for the time being, bottomuseme, but the SNP are certainly in contention. bottomuseme: Time to get rid of London,they're black hole has to be same as hours if indeed there is one,we are one of the richest countries in world,it's time people stopped listening to British lies,and become a nation at heart of Europe,not part of 300 years of poverty for some people because of London greedy government
Me: Good evening, watch U cm. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? watch U cm: The party in your pants watch U cm: Let's see you
Me: Good evening, pick up an fuck. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? pick up an fuck: Who the fuck asks that on Grindr? Me: Me, pick up an fuck. pick up an fuck: What are you voting? Me: I am undecided for the time being, pick up an fuck. pick up an fuck: Why do you keep repeating that?
Me: Good evening, drunk/horny. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? drunk/horny: What Me: Countries of the EU are electing MEPs to the European Parliament in 7 days' time, drunk/horny. drunk/horny: I know that but what that got to do with u being drunk an horny
Me: Good morning, hot ass. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? hot ass: [a photo of his ass] Me: Is that on the ballot, hot ass? hot ass: Yes
Me: Good evening, EXTRACT UR C#M. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? EXTRACT UR C#M: Who fucking cares Me: Europe cares, EXTRACT UR C#M. EXTRACT UR C#M: Reported you
Me: Good evening, Hung 4 Younger. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Hung 4 Younger: None of them . I've given up politics in despair. Hung 4 Younger: ( I haven't given up sucking a nice cock though ......)
Me: Good morning, Chris. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? Chris: No idea Me: Thank you anyway, Chris. Chris: I didn't realise there was an election Me: It's on May 23, Chris. Chris: Ok Chris: Thanks for letting me know Me: You're welcome, Chris. Chris: But I'm on here looking for sex
Me: Good evening, vagrant. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming European election? vagrant: None its meaningless shit that normal people couldn't give on tiny shit about vagrant: Being under 50 Me: Thank you anyway, vagrant. vagrant: I swear if that end up online again like last time

STATISTICS:

Of the 1,024 users I questioned, 406 responses were counted. 133 of these users settled on a party or candidate. Here are their results:

48.0% (60)Scottish National Party (SNP)
18.4% (23)Scottish Green Party
10.4% (13)The Brexit Party
8.8% (11)
Liberal Democrats
5.6% (7)Conservative and Unionist Party
4.8% (6)
Labour Party
2.4% (3)UK Independence Party (UKIP)
1.6% (2)Change UK – The Independent Group

In addition, some votes were received for parties and candidates who are not on the Scottish ballot. These were:

2Unidas Podemos
2Lord Buckethead
1Monster Raving Loony Party
1German Green Party
1Die Linke
1Democracy for Europe (DiEM25)

A further 273 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

46 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

Some voters who were undecided, or unwilling to express support for one specific party over the others, still gave some indication of their preferences:

7Any nominally Remain-supporting/anti-Brexit party
2Green, Lib Dem, or SNP
2Green or SNP
2Anything but The Brexit Party
1Change UK or Labour
1Change UK or Lib Dem
1Green or Labour
1Green or Lib Dem
1Lib Dem or SNP
1Anything but Conservative
1Anything but SNP

In any case where a Grindr user was undecided on their final vote, but still able to pick a favourite party, they were counted towards that party’s tally. However, I also noted their second preferences.

  • 7 SNP supporters are also considering voting Green.
  • 1 Lib Dem supporter is also considering voting Green.
  • 1 SNP supporter is also considering voting Lib Dem.
  • 1 Brexit supporter is also considering voting UKIP.


44 polled do not support any party, or stated that they were not going to vote. This includes 1 respondent who intends to spoil their ballot.

27 are not eligible to vote. Of those who gave reasons, 17 are not European citizens, 5 are travelling or busy on election day and unable to arrange a postal or proxy vote, 3 missed the registration deadline, and 1 is underage.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

27Miscellaneous evasion
22Explicitly declined to answer
18Too horny to engage politically
17General bewilderment
14Lack of interest
13Cryptic or incomprehensible
10Comedy answers ("S Club", "Jedi", "my own ass" etc.)
8Just replying “hi” or “hello” or something, ignoring the opening question, and proceeding to attempt a conversation like it was never asked
6General hostility
6Unaware there was an election happening
5Just laughed at me
5General nihilism (what's the point, we're all fucked etc.)
5Thought I was talking about Eurovision

Finally, let’s go back to the parties’ votes and calculate how they’d equate to MEPs. In European Parliament elections, the UK uses the D’Hondt system, in which each seat is given to the party with the greatest number of votes, divided by one plus the number of those already allocated to that party. Each MEP would be as follows:

60SNPMEP #1: Alyn Smith, the SNP’s 1st candidate.
23Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

30 (60/2)SNPMEP #2: Christian Allard, the SNP’s 2nd candidate.
23Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

20 (60/3)SNP
23GreenMEP #3: Maggie Chapman, the Greens’ 1st candidate.
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

20 (60/3)SNPMEP #4: Aileen Macleod, the SNP’s 3rd candidate.
11.5 (23/2)Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

15 (60/4)SNPMEP #5: Margaret Ferrier, the SNP’s 4th candidate.
11.5 (23/2)Green
13Brexit
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

12 (60/5)SNP
11.5 (23/2)Green
13BrexitMEP #6: Louis Stedman-Bryce, the Brexit Party’s 1st candidate.
11Lib Dem
7Conservative
6Labour
3UKIP
2CHUKTIG

If only Grindr users vote on May 23, Scotland will elect 4 SNP MEPs, 1 Green MEP, and 1 Brexit MEP.

Corporal punishment methods in US schools

Posted on by machotrouts

Corporal punishment in public schools is still legal in 22 US states. I work as a self-employed superintendent in all 22 of these states, and in the spirit of full disclosure, here is the full list of punishment techniques I encourage teachers to practise.

Paddle. For standard usage.

Paddle with a nail in it. Should only be used on special occasions.

Riding crop. Do not actually ride the child, unless they are in fact a horse, in which case do not actually ride the horse.

Slipper. Be careful that this isn’t a gateway to more extreme footwear, like cleats or ice skates – it’s a slipper slope.

Flogger. This is when you send the troublesome child out into traffic.

Leather strap. A cow died for this – and rightly so

Cane. If you don’t have a cane, just find some decrepit guy doddering about outside and take his. Old bastards are super into corporal punishment and won’t mind.

Birch. Absorbs blood easily, so be careful you don’t go giving them all sex diseases. That would be funny but tbh a bit much

Whip. Did you know black children are disproportionately beaten by teachers in US schools? Well, let’s go all in! Slavery is back, baby! Yeah!

Truncheon. While creative use is encouraged, do NOT I repeat do NOT I repeat do NOT fuck them, unless you’re SURE they won’t enjoy it.

Carpet beater. For when the carpet is giving you lip

Quirt. Please keep this in contemporary usage. If it falls into obsolescence, that’s one less Q word in the Scrabble dictionary. Quirt the shit out of anyone who gets too quisquous

Blender. I don’t mean the actual blade bit, I’m not mad. Just hit them with the main body of the blender. Psychological and that.

Gun. Why do you THINK we’re pushing to arm teachers? Pistol-whip those motherfuckers. Do NOT shoot them except by accident. Please shoot them by accident as much as you like.

40 lashes… eyelashes, that is! Haha, yeah, it’s not that bad, sorry to worry you. We just pull out all forty of your eyelashes one by one. Tweezer time bitch

40 strokes… strokes, that is! This is where we gently caress your hair, as you suffer a series of debilitating cerebral haemorrhages, and at such a young age. It’s awful, and there’s nothing to be done.

Corporal Punishment from Robot Wars. Americans won’t even know who this is and I don’t think it would be very effective. Just a silver box really. Waste of FUCKING time.

259 from Robot Wars. Now we’re talking

Hot sauce in their mouth. NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT cum.

Fasces. We just have a lot of them lying around and I can’t remember why.

Circumcision. If they’ve got a foreskin, then tug hard on it until it goes black and falls off. ONLY for boy pupils. Do NOT female genital mutilate any girls. We have to draw the line somewhere, and apparently it’s there.

Crocodiles

Catherine wheel. IMPORTANT: DO NOT USE IF THERE IS A PUPIL NAMED ‘CATHERINE’. SHE WILL BE UNFAIRLY SINGLED OUT AND BULLIED.

Ass whoopin’. Just good old ass whoopin’

Bukkake. Honestly this takes more preparation than it’s worth and it’s pretty bad optics.

Ice cream scoop. Methodically carve out spheres of their ass (or, as we say in the United States of America, “ass”)

“Sneakers” or “tennis shoes”. That’s my attempt to convert “gym shoes” to American. In the UK they’re also called “plimsoll shoes” or “pumps”. Yeah bitch, that’s what pump means in the UK, along with “sex” and “fart”. What the fuck kind of gay ass shit is “plimsoll”. Fuck you

Monster truck. Damn. HELL yeah

Nuclear war. Duck and cover! Duck and cover! Go to the designated death zone under your desk now please.

Paddle. Throw them in a pool and watch them paddle. If they can swim, this is not an effective punishment. Hit them with a paddle to knock them underwater, like those canoe guys do to Coco in the jet-ski levels of Crash Bandicoot 3 – and rightly so.

A comment saying “didn’t do me any harm!” under an article debating whether corporal punishment is okay. Show this to a child to really make them wince. I spend my time advocating child abuse in comment sections while implicitly regarding myself as an aspirational figure. Far more painful than any actual corporal punishment you can administer.

Anything goes, so long as we don’t have to cover any medical bills. You break it you bought it

I hope that clears that up. These are all fine, and it’s fine if we keep doing them.

Which Ann Widdecombe Defender Are You?

Posted on by machotrouts

Ann Widdecombe is currently a popular housemate in Celebrity Big Brother. What’s YOUR reason for wanting her to win? Choose from the options below:

  1. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s reductive to judge her solely on the things she thinks, says, and does”

  2. “Yes, she has terrible views, but homophobia is just a charming personality quirk”

  3. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s just a harmless innocent little old lady, it’s not like she was an MP or a cabinet minister or anything like that”

  4. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she doesn’t apologise for them”

  5. “Yes, she has terrible views, but this is Year of the WOMAN, and it’s only fitting that it be won by someone who hates women”

  6. “Yes, she has terrible views, but challenging her on them, no matter how graciously or tactfully, is victimising her”

  7. “Yes, she has terrible views, but as a former politician who has held more power and influence than anybody else in the show, she’s a real underdog”

  8. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she obfuscates them with vacuous platitudes about being kind to others, and I am very easily fooled”

  9. “Yes, she has terrible views, but you’ve got to respect the long, successful career she’s had trying to enforce those terrible views on others”

  10. “Yes, she has terrible views, but people who stand up for LGBT rights are SO annoying”

  11. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she doesn’t push them in your face, except for that one time when she devoted her 23-year parliamentary career to enshrining them in law”

  12. “Yes, she has terrible views, but that doesn’t mean the person who is overwhelmingly defined by those views is terrible”

  13. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s not like she JUDGES the people whose rights she has actively, relentlessly sought to deny”

  14. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s self-assured, and I’m insecure enough to find that an admirable trait in and of itself”

  15. “Yes, she has terrible views, but the REAL victims are people who are challenged for their terrible views”

  16. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s really impressive that this show managed to book someone who’s spent most of the past decade as a professional reality TV star”

  17. “Yes, she has terrible views, but if shy fragile outsider Amanda Barrie and radical establishment threat Wayne Sleep OBE don’t feel personally attacked by her, why should anybody else?”

  18. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’M secure in my sexuality, and can’t conceive of anyone more vulnerable than myself”

  19. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I perceive the absolute mildest challenge to those views to be a militant display of tubthumping”

  20. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s just an OPINION!”

  21. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she’s prepared to tolerate people with differing views, unless they fight for, express, or hold them in any meaningful regard”

  22. “Yes, she has terrible views, but in spite of constant overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still like to pretend conservatives are an oppressed minority in 2018”

  23. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we have gay rights now anyway, which is clearly proof that nothing good can come of challenging people like Ann”

  24. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she’s so CUTE! Patronising the elderly is ADORABLE!”

  25. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should take people as we find them, and if we find that they’re homophobes, well, we should just ignore that”

  26. “Yes, she has terrible views, but hypothetically, what if the gay person in the house who disagrees with her intolerance had ironically failed to tolerate HER? The fact that he does isn’t really important to me, please just go along with my interesting thought experiment”

  27. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should respect our wise, vulnerable elders. The poor lady is nearly as old as Donald Trump”

  28. “Yes, she has terrible views, but live and let live! I don’t know what irony is”

  29. “Yes, she has terrible views, but what if NOT having terrible views has gone TOO FAR?”

  30. “Yes, she has terrible views, but people are so easily offended these days. Why can’t they get upset about something that matters, like Shane Jenek wearing Speedos?”

  31. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she reminds me of my disgusting bigoted hate-filled grandmother, who I love”

  32. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I also voted for Coleen Nolan, so I’m in deep at this point”

  33. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’m only against homophobia until anybody actually stands up to homophobia in any way whatsoever”

  34. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she opposes the infliction of pain as a source of entertainment. As she can attest, it should only be the source of a political career”

  35. “Yes, she has terrible views, but someone from the Apprentice called her a cunt”

  36. “Yes, she has terrible views, but making me question my moral dissonance is a personal attack”

  37. “Yes, she has terrible views, but at least she’s much more homophobic and had much more actual political influence than that awful Winston McKenzie”

  38. “Yes, she has terrible views, but her political career is over. It’s good and in no way disturbing that she’s reinvented herself as a harmless entertainment figure”

  39. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I have Stockholm syndrome after 8 years of Tory rule”

  40. “Yes, she has terrible views, but we should judge her by what she’s done IN THE HOUSE, where her homophobia has only manifested as constant passive-aggressive eyerolls, spurious nomination reasons, and a generally uncomfortable, oppressive atmosphere”

  41. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I admire her conviction. It would be bad if she just had those views a bit… but that she EXTREMELY has them, is actually very good”

  42. “Yes, she has terrible views, but Maggie Oliver arrested me for sex trafficking”

  43. “Yes, she has terrible views, but this isn’t ABOUT politics. The fact that a significant proportion of the housemates and the public are upset with her closest rival for disagreeing with her views in absurdly courteous and diplomatic terms is NOTHING to do with politics”

  44. “Yes, she has terrible views, but so do I”

  45. “Yes, she has terrible views, but she had a point when she said we should be more like Mother Teresa (colonialist con artist) and less like Jordan (previous winner of the show Ann is currently competing in)”

  46. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I am SICK of the harrassment from imaginary gay activists constantly abusing me for liking her”

  47. “Yes, she has terrible views, but, like, she’s old, she probably has Alzheimer’s or something. Maybe we ALL have Alzheimer’s and we’re actually misremembering everything she’s done, huh? Did you think of that? Did you?”

  48. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I am legally obliged to state that Ann isn’t here to defend herself, so let’s move on”

  49. “Yes, she has terrible views, but gay people upset to see broad adulation for a former MP who voted against equalised age of consent laws are just oversensitive snowflakes. Why are they taking it PERSONALLY that a large sector of the voting audience loves someone who thinks you should be convicted rapists for sleeping with 20-year-olds?”

  50. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I’m one of those anthropomorphised unborn fetuses you get in anti-abortion propaganda cartoons”

  51. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I want her to win to stick it to the gay activists who call her fans homophobic! Voting for a homophobe specifically to upset gay people will prove that I am not, personally, a homophobe”

  52. “Yes, she has terrible views, but stop TALKING about it! I don’t want to KNOW!”

  53. “Yes, she has terrible views, but laws against the promotion of homosexuality could have taken down this bad Tumblr, so every cloud and all that”

  54. “Yes, she has terrible views, but how boring would it be if EVERYONE agreed, and gay people were ALL free to live their lives without fear of persecution from ANYONE?”

  55. “Yes, she has terrible views, but I refuse to stand in the way of Big Brother’s long, proud history of bestowing imaginary redemption arcs on terrible people who have done nothing whatsoever to redeem themselves”

  56. “Yes, she has terrible views, but it’s just an entertainment show, and gay viewers who are unsettled to see a mainstream uprising of contempt for them should shut up and let the rest of us enjoy it”

  57. “Yes, she has terrible views, but you have to understand… January 2018 was a very different time”

Prince Philip’s best gaffes: Duke of Edinburgh’s 20 wittiest remarks as he retires aged 96

Posted on by machotrouts

PRINCE Philip is renowned for his witty one-liners and off-the-cuff remarks. Branded a “national treasure” by the press (us) for his inability to curb his quick wit, here’s a round-up of the retiring Queen’s consort’s most memorable witticisms.

1. UGGGHH. I FUCKEN HATE ASIANS
(in 1995, pointing at Nelson Mandela on a visit to South Africa)

2. I DECLARE THIS THING OPEN, WHATEVER IT IS
(in 1997, bending over and distending his anus with both hands for a portrait that would later become known as “goatse”).

3. DROP DEAD YOU FUCKEN SLUT
(in Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a local woman, and again later that night in bed to his wife, the Queen).

4. ARE YOU GONNA SHINE MY SHOES, MY BELOVED BLACK BUTLER BARACK OBAMA. HOW ABOUT ANSWER ME BITCH
(speaking to singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance).

5. AUGHH ME FUCKEN ROTTEN BLADDER. ME FUCKEN PISS STINGS LIKE FUCK
(in 2012, while being admitted to King Edward VII Hospital with a bladder infection).

6. YASSS I FUCKEN LOVE HITLER
(in 1997, to German Chancellor Helmut Kohl at a trade fair, who then clarified that he was not Hitler, to Prince Philip’s disappointment).

7. WHATEVER. IDGAF
(in 1996, during and after the Dunblane massacre, and shortly before unloading 6 bullets into his temple in protest at the calls for a firearm ban, to no ill effect).

8. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. IM BLACK
(in 1986, to a group of British exchange students staying in the city of Xi’an, narrowing his eyes, pinching his eyelids and surrounding skin, and rapidly tugging it side to side, making a ‘shlup shlup shlup’ sound).

9. LMAO
(in 1997, while being informed of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales).

10. THE FUCKEN… CHINESE. BUNCH OF TRANNIES
(in 1994, apropos of nothing).

11. DEAF???? NO WONDER – YOU MUST HAVE HAD AN EARFUL FROM MY WIFE (THE QUEEN)!
(to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999. The deaf children laughed as the Queen subsequently gave him a clip round the ear, and Prince Philip wittily retorted by punching her in the face).

12. DEAF???? THANK FUCK FOR THAT
(5 minutes later to the same children, before doing a really loud fart).

13. DEAF???? NO WONDER – I JUST DID A REALLY LOUD FART
(3 minutes later to the same children, who were by this point crying).

14. HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UR FAGGOT ASS MOUTH AND SHOOT UR FUCKEN LOAD OVER MY FACE AFTER CONFUSING ME FOR A GIANT FUCKEN SEXY GAY BALLBAG
(muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform, 2001).

15. BITCH
(in 1974, referring to the entire continent of Asia).

16. YOU CANTONESE WILL EAT ANYTHING. BET YOUSE WILL FUCKEN EAT THIS: MY GHASTLY PUSTULENT ASSHOLE. YOU HEARD ME BITCH
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

17. IF IT HAS GOT FOUR LEGS AND IT IS NOT A CHAIR, IF IT HAS GOT TWO WINGS AND IT FLIES BUT IS NOT AN AEROPLANE, AND IF IT SWIMS AND IT IS NOT A SUBMARINE: IM GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

18. IF IT DOESN’T FART OR EAT HAY: IM NOT GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

19. DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? IM RACIST
(in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who did not recognise him).

20. URNNNGHGH IM GUNNA CUM. SPUNKEN ME RACIST SPUNK. PLANTEN THE SEEDS OF DISCRIMINATION ALL UP IN YOUR SLUTTY ARSE GUTS
(in 2017, while engaging in anal sex with his wife, the Queen).

We’ll miss you, Grandpa Phil!

London Grindr users on the 2017 general election

Posted on by machotrouts

UK prime minister Theresa May has called a snap election, to be held on 8 June 2017.

I’ve previously polled Grindr users on Brexit, Scottish independence, the 2016 US election, and the previous UK election, in Scotland and in Wales. This time, I asked 519 Grindr users in England, in and around London, which political parties they’re supporting.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good morning, Bj now🍆💦. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Bj now🍆💦: What?
Me: Good morning, NO TORIES!. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? NO TORIES!: Labour
Me: Good evening, London Guy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? London Guy: Lib Dem :) Unfortunately can't back Labour's class warfare
Me: Good morning, Probe Droid. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Probe Droid: UKIP
Me: Good evening, ACCOM_NOW. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? ACCOM_NOW: Hi I do not vote I am not a UK citizen. But I appreciate your creative way to select your fuck mates
Me: Good afternoon, older4younger. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? older4younger: Possibly not the same as you older4younger: Mrs May is my choice. No one else is comes near her older4younger: Labour are a joke already the pound is dropping further due to the latest polls.everything is goibg to be much more expensive. Starting with petrol.
Me: Good morning, Redhead. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Redhead: See, I like politics - and nice to have a different opener on here - but it's a subject guaranteed to make me soft in seconds
Me: Good evening, Michal. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Michal: Hi there. Well, I'm not a citizen, so am unable to actually have an official opinion, however considering I'm an immigrant, gay and from working class background I'm a labour supporter all the way :)
Me: Good evening, Londoner. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Londoner: Frankly I'd prefer to send cockpics rather than answer questions like that. It really is none of your business.
Me: Good morning, Hung discreet. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Hung discreet: Lib dem Hung discreet: Wanna compare willies
Me: Good afternoon, Raw Top. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Raw Top: The sex party Me: Are they on the ballot, Raw Top? Raw Top: In my world they're the frontrunners
Me: Good evening, Suck my DICK🍆. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Suck my DICK🍆: Why u ask? Me: I'm an inquisitive soul, Suck my DICK🍆. Suck my DICK🍆: Yea I can tell you look and sound bit strange
Me: Good morning, Bi looking 👁. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Bi looking 👁: Haha not here for politics just want to cum Bi looking 👁: Any pics?
Me: Good evening, jeff. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? jeff: Labour.It's goIngham to be one of the most interesting elections I think since 1997 I think when Europe has rejected the popularity vote*which we never that popular)we have a more socialist labour party.I find May so narrow. jeff: Labour to answer your question Me: I think you're probably right, jeff. Thank you for your input. jeff: Itteringham us a pleasure. I do my best . I think there may be a return to reaLondon 'Socialist'values under Jeremy.I let's hope so What are yoy upto tonight
Me: Good afternoon, 2 for more. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? 2 for more: How can you ask such a question? 2 for more: It's inappropriate 2 for more: Quite stupid 2 for more: And very awkward
Me: Good morning, Sports & Deep T. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Sports & Deep T: Im an EU citizen, so your country forces me to pay taxes vut doesn't allow me to vote to decide who I want to get represented for.... Me: I'm sorry to hear that, Sports & Deep T. Thank you anyway. Sports & Deep T: 'oh, it's not my problem, that doesn't affect me, so politely send you to fuck off' - Great Britain.... Sports & Deep T: But if I could, none of the xunts are toverning or want to govern.... Sports & Deep T: I would go for green
Me: Good morning, Pangloss. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Pangloss: I was used to be asked if I were a top or a bottom Me: Times have changed, Pangloss. Do you have an answer? Pangloss: Yes. I'm not a uk citizen. Me: Thank you anyway, Pangloss. Pangloss: Try to stop the brexit.. Pangloss: Not for me,I won't be touched. Pangloss: But for the millions of foreigner people your country rely on
Me: Good afternoon, Chill. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Chill: Good evening, You assumed correctly, I am willing to divulge my political affiliations. I'm unable to vote in UK General Elections, owing to my being an EU citizenship. I would, if it were possible, lend my support to Jeremy Corbyn's Labour Party. Traditionally, I support the Socialist Party of the country in which I'm living at the time, this has meant that I have voted Green / Communist.
Me: Good afternoon, Big Loads :D. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Big Loads :D: Did no one tell you not to discuss politics with strangers?!
Me: Good morning, Active for meet. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Active for meet: Which do you think Me: I don't know, Active for meet. Sinn Féin? Active for meet: No. I'm an active fairly Dom top so I'm totally a Tory
Me: Good morning, Sex God. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Sex God: I have gone with labour but im really not into all that. Me: Thank you for your input anyway, Sex God. Sex God: What you looking for. Me: That, mostly. Sex God: I love to kiss play touch suck myself.
Me: Good afteroon, que sera sera. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? que sera sera: That makes a change from can i have a cock pick Me: It certainly does, que sera sera. Do you have an answer? que sera sera: The names dean and if u must know conservative Me: Thank you for your input, dean sera sera.
Leo: Hi how are you Leo: Do you like your feet licked and massaged Me: Good morning, Leo. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Leo: I'm not deciding yet why ? Leo: Do you like your feet licked and massaged
🇬🇧🇪🇺: hey, how are you? Me: Hello there, 🇬🇧🇪🇺, I am fine. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? 🇬🇧🇪🇺: Not yet decided... but neither labour nor tory 🇬🇧🇪🇺: You? 🇬🇧🇪🇺: and absolutely not UKIP Me: I am also undecided, 🇬🇧🇪🇺. Who haven't you ruled out? 🇬🇧🇪🇺: Lin dem who's gonna legalise weed 🇬🇧🇪🇺: Green who's promoting 3day weekend 🇬🇧🇪🇺: also NO to Brexit
⬆ 🐂: Hello Me: Hello, ⬆ 🐂. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? ⬆ 🐂: I'm not entirely sure... It's the first time I'm voting Me: How exciting, Mr 🐂. Do you have any slight preference at this stage? ⬆ 🐂: Certainly not tory ⬆ 🐂: I was keen on lib dems until hearing T. Farron's views on homosexuality
Me: Good morning, Hi you suck me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Hi you suck me: You suck me Me: That's not an option on the ballot, Hi you suck me. Hi you suck me: You suck me Me: That's not an option on the ballot, Hi you suck me. Hi you suck me: Pics you
Me: Good afternoon, Bi-curious. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Bi-curious: Ha tend to keep politics out of the bedroom Bi-curious: Toss up between labour and lib dems on my end Bi-curious: Yourself? Me: I remain undecided, Bi-curious. Who do you think will come out on top tossing up on your end? Bi-curious: Not sure, one thing is clear theresa may is not a safe pair of hands
Me: Good morning, Scouting4lads. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Scouting4lads: Not three pay with the fancy shoes Scouting4lads: Typo. Sorry Scouting4lads: Not the lady Me: Do you have a candidate with less fancy shoes in mind? Scouting4lads: Loafers and sandals Scouting4lads: I adore Corbyn regardless of others negativity.The quiet man is not necessarily weak. It takes a brace man to say he won't hit the nuclear button first. In face there is no button. It doesn't work like that.
Me: Good afternoon, 8' Cock. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? 8' Cock: I'm supporting big cock 8' Cock: [a photo of his big cock]
Me: Good evening, isuck, you go. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? isuck, you go: Being a size queen I'd have to say the party with the biggest cocks, like, obviously. Me: Conservative it is. Thank you for your input, isuck. isuck, you go: I'd like your input! Put your input in any of my holes they are all goals! isuck, you go: I'm hoping for a hung parliament that much is for sure!
Me: Good morning, Queers4Labour. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Queers4Labour: 😒
JL: Hi Me: Hello, JL. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? JL: Oh god, is this for one of those 'we asked guys on Grindr which party they are supporting in the election and you'll never guess what happened next' articles?

STATISTICS:

Of the 519 Grindr users I was able to question before moderators intervened, 181 responses were counted. 64 of these users settled on a party. Here are their results:

60.9% (39)   Labour
17.2% (11)   Liberal Democrat
15.6% (10)   Conservative
3.1% (2)       Monster Raving Loony
3.1% (2)       UKIP

No eligible voters chose the Green Party.

A further 117 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

11 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

12 said they would choose not to vote.

18 were not eligible to vote.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

42   Miscellaneous evasion
13   Nonexistent parties and other sarcastic answers
10   Explicitly declined to answer
6    Too horny to engage politically
6    Just replying “hi” or “hello” or something, ignoring the opening question, and proceeding to attempt a conversation like it was never asked

In addition, here is a count of secondary positive mentions of parties – second choices for those who are voting for a different party, or parties mentioned as possibilities for those who remain undecided:

7   Labour
4   Lib Dem
3   Green
1   Conservative

These are parties that were singled out for negative mentions, often preceded by an “Anything but”:

7   Conservative
1   Labour
1   UKIP

In conclusion: Grindr stands with Corbyn. If the Grindr turnout is high on Thursday, the UK may yet have a socialist revolution.

(See also: the Grindr election poll in Edinburgh.)

Scottish Grindr users on the 2017 general election

Posted on by machotrouts

UK prime minister Theresa May has called a snap election, to be held on 8 June 2017.

I’ve previously polled Grindr users on Scottish independence, Brexit, the 2016 US election, and the previous UK election, in Wales and in Scotland. Just as I did in 2015, I asked 1024 Grindr users in Scotland, mostly in and around Edinburgh, who they’re supporting.

The following is a sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces in profile pictures have been censored.)

Me: Good afternoon, fist me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? fistme: Snp of course
Me: Good morning, Lycra lout. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Lycra lout: Morning Lycra lout: Labour
Me: Good morning, lick them. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? lick them: Tory
Me: Good morning, any1got420. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? any1got420: Green party lol
Me: Good afternoon, Wnk fun at urs. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Wnk fun at urs: Fuck off
Me: Good evening, Andrew. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Andrew: Oh it's you again :P Andrew: Hello, reddit Andrew: [a photo of Nicola Sturgeon wearing boxing gloves]
Me: Good morning, twink on twink!. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? twink on twink!: I support twink foam parties 👅
Me: Good morning, Grindr user. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Grindr user: Party? Labour. I've never seen such an appealing manifesto in my lifetime. But I'll be voting to re-elect my SNP MP, Tommy Sheppard. He's done a great job at Westminster and I really like him as a human. Also I still believe in an independent Scotland.
Me: Good morning, Bottom 4 Top. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Bottom 4 Top: The party that's going to arrange for cock to fuck me
Me: Good evening, Hello😉. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Hello😉: SNP Hello😉: I think on a national basis they fight for our interests in house of commons more than the rest Hello😉: And it would stuff the others as all they bang on about is independence. Think Nicola is far better than ruth who to me is a lacky for may Willie is delusional and kesia is on speed and speaks more words per minute than anyone ive ever listened to
Me: Good evening, Je suis bottom. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Je suis bottom: That is none of your business and this is not s political forum so inappropriate on many levels.
Me: Good morning, ⬇ like older?. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? ⬇ like older?: Well when I moved to where I live in soon realised that people at an election are actually voting for the local MP. I found here we had an outstanding one who was very active on behalf of constituents. He was a Libdem, not a party I had ever voted for. At the last election, he lost out to an SNP candidate who shortly was suspended from the party, as a result we had an MP of no party. Not a good ⬇ like older?: Seems there is a limit to the size of a message Me: To clarify, are you supporting the Lib Dem candidate? ⬇ like older?: Yes because I recently met her but made it clear that I had no time for Tim Fallon and his publicity seeking utterances. Are you polling on here??
Me: Good morning, In The Zone ↕. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? In The Zone ↕: The S Club Party Me: Are they on the ballot, In The Zone ↕? In The Zone ↕: Yeah. N if theyr no then they bloody well should be
Me: Good afternoon, message me. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? message me: Hi im unsure as I've never really kept up with the political scene here it definitely won't be Jeremy Corbyn Me: Is there any particular non-Corbyn candidate you feel drawn towards? message me: I dont know any other candidates but what's key for me is the views on Israel and their Stance on foreign policy message me: H8 message me: H8 message me: Hi message me: My fingers are too big xd
Me: Good afternoon, Tps4TwnkBttm. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Tps4TwnkBttm: The cock fun party 😀 Tps4TwnkBttm: Certainly not Tory or UKIP.
Me: Good evening, Need to suck. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Need to suck: lol won't be SNP Me: Do you have any particular non-SNP party in mind, Need to suck? Need to suck: I think it needs to be conservative they are the only ones fit enough to even try and move us forward tbh Me: Thank you for your input, Need to suck. Need to suck: Where r u ? Need to suck: And u got a nice for me to suck dry ?
Me: Good evening, Ass for hung. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Ass for hung: The monster cock party Me: Are they on the ballot, Ass for hung? Ass for hung: They like tio knock on the back door when canvassing
Me: Good morning, horny now. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? horny now: None a don't care so don't ask me Me: Thank you anyway, horny now. horny now: Yes
Me: Good morning, i like peenis. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? i like peenis: The House Party Me: Are they on the ballot, i like peenis? i like peenis: I believe they are. They lost their deposit at the last election (or is that 'erection') Me: Thank you for your input, i like peenis. i like peenis: Talking of input.....
Me: Good afternoon, Just do it. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Just do it: I support the, no borders/ humanism idealists Just do it: I mean standing up for humanity Me: Does this refer to any party in particular? Just do it: Seems socialism but not,! All human specious have rights to live a better life. Anywhere I n the world.this is I believe in
Me: Good morning, Horny Guy. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Horny Guy: Ruth davison.......if i could get a gun i would shoot the snp
Me: Good evening, near you. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? near you: Libdem so that they can cancel brexit near you: Bar that, labor. Me: Thank you for your input, near you. near you: Cool. near you: What else kind of 'input' are you looking for at this late hour
Me: Good evening, Messy rimmer💩. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Messy rimmer💩: The brown party.... Failing that, the greens 🙂
Me: Good morning, 420 Cat man 😇. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? 420 Cat man 😇: I'd have been less offended if you asked for my dick size... Me: Would you like me to ask for your dick size, 420 Cat man 😇? 420 Cat man 😇: No
Me: Good afternoon, SLOW N DEEP.. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? SLOW N DEEP.: Ur party SLOW N DEEP.: [a photo of his dick] SLOW N DEEP.: I wanna support it with that
Me: Good morning, Str8 acting. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Str8 acting: Why don't you tell me who you are supporting first Str8 acting: Guess not, unimpressive Me: I am undecided for the time being, Str8 acting. Str8 acting: If you have a problem with me , say it, don't be such a bitchy queen about it Me: Do you have an answer, Str8 acting? Str8 acting: Why does it bother you so much, you that fragile Me: I am an inquisitive soul, Str8 acting. Str8 acting: Well you are clearly unattractive so unless you actually have a legitimate question, I've wasted enough time on you
Me: Good afternoon, Red Earl. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Red Earl: UKIP Me: Thank you for your input, Red Earl. Red Earl: As if! SNP Me: Sorry, you're locked in for UKIP now, #1 Paul Nuttall fan Red Earl. Red Earl: No random profile locks me in! I'm more stable and strong than that. But if Paul Nuttal wanted to shag me I would hesitate to say no
Me: Good evening, Sucker. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Sucker: I'll be supporting the SNP - how about you? Me: Undecided, but quite possibly the same. Me: Thank you for your input, Sucker. Sucker: I'm much better at sucking cock than political analysis though
Me: Good evening, Stephen ↕. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Stephen ↕: I'm supporting Labour. In 2014 myself and a lot of other Yes socialists swore to old Labour voters that we'd welcome a socialist Labour Party. I thought we were telling the truth. But when Corbyn came along he was somehow framed our enemy. Corbyn apparently 'didn't understand Scotland' and we all fell in line behind the SNP. Stephen ↕: But the truth is a Corbyn-led UK Government is a much worse scenario for the British ruling class than an SNP-led independent Scotland.
Me: Good evening, Likemuscle. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Likemuscle: Conservatively speaking, I'm labouring to make up my mind. I'm usually quite liberal in my views and green with envy for anyone who has fixed opinions. Even being only half Scottish and not at all nationalist it's probably maybe definitely unlikely to be UKIP. That being said I've already voted by post but don't like to say. I hope you probably definitely don't mind if I don't say. likemuscle: BTW, are you muscled?
Me: Good evening, Summer 4:20. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? Summer 4:20: woulddnt discuss religion or politics with me, i got more extreme views than hitler Me: What views are those, Summer 4:20? Summer 4:20: white supremacy Summer 4:20: cba typing so that sums it up i guess :P Summer 4:20: not racist - just feel when theres more of them than us its a matter of national security
Me: Good evening, SuckYouNow!. Which party are you supporting in the forthcoming general election? SuckYouNow!: Please go away and leave me alone. You pop up at every election. Where on my profile does it say I want to take part in a poll. So go fuck off and annoy someone else.

 

STATISTICS:

Of the 1024 Grindr users I questioned, 395 responses were counted. 165 of these users settled on a party. Here are their results:

52.7% (87)   SNP
25.5% (42)   Labour
10.9% (18)   Conservative
4.8% (8)       Green
3.6% (6)       Liberal Democrat
1.8% (3)       Monster Raving Loony
0.6% (1)       Communist

Three parties who received votes in the equivalent poll in 2015 – Socialist, BNP, and, most notably, UKIP (who were tied with the Liberal Democrats) – received no (non-sarcastic) votes in 2017.

Here are the changes since that poll:

SNP: DOWN 11%
Labour: UP 14.8%
Conservative: UP 1.7%
Green: DOWN 2.3%
Liberal Democrat: no change
Monster Raving Loony: UP 0.3%
Communist: UP 0.6% (no votes in 2015)
UKIP: DOWN 3.8% (no votes in 2017)
BNP: DOWN 1% (no votes in 2017)
Socialist: DOWN 0.5% (no votes in 2017)

A further 230 users responded, but did not settle on a party.

42 were undecided, and could not be swayed to pick a favourite.

31 said they would choose not to vote.

11 were not eligible to vote.

Other responses can be roughly categorised as follows:

51   Explicitly declined to answer
44   Miscellaneous evasion
19   Comedy answers (”monster cock party”, ”bukkake party”, “UKIP” etc)
13   Too horny to engage politically (inc. 3 who just sent nudes)
11   Incomprehensible
8     Just replying “hi” or “hello” or something, ignoring the opening question, and proceeding to attempt a conversation like it was never asked

In addition, here is a count of secondary positive mentions of parties – second choices for those who are voting for a different party, or parties mentioned as possibilities for those who remain undecided:

19   Labour
12   Green
10   SNP
4     Lib Dem
1     Liberal
1     Conservative

These are parties that were singled out for negative mentions, often preceded by an “Anything but”:

16   Conservative
8     SNP
3     Labour
2     UKIP
1     Green

In conclusion, the SNP wane slightly but remain comfortably dominant, while Labour pulls far ahead of the Tories as the opposition. Also, for the first time since 2015, I’ve been able to complete a poll without getting banned from Grindr. I am confident this will be remembered as one of the most politically significant turnarounds of 2017.

(See also: the Grindr election poll in England.)