Memo to Crystal Castles: 18 suggested replacements for Alice Glass

1: Karin Dreijer Andersson. With fellow experimental electronic duo ‘The Knife’ also having recently split, this seems the perfect opportunity for Crystal Knives to join forces and destroy gender once and for all.

2: Cathy Berberian. Her voice, sampled from Luciano Berio’s ‘Thema (Omaggio a Joyce)’, dominates ‘Air War’. She may have died 31 years ago, but if Glass can perform in crutches, who’s to say Berberian can’t perform in an urn?

3: Jónsi. With ‘Twin Peaks’ on its way back, this could be the perfect opportunity for the Sigur Rós vocalist to record more of the disquieting indecipherable reverse-tracked vocals that dominate ‘Year of Silence’ (a vocal style some refer to as ‘Icelandic’).

4: Robert Smith. He’s already re-recorded Alice Glass’s vocals for ‘Not in Love’ and they had their biggest hit with it. We can only extrapolate that Crystal Castles would occupy the entire top 40 if he goes back and re-records their entire discography. But here’s an interesting fact: did you know Robert Smith is the only person ever to have refused permission to let a ‘Stars in Their Eyes’ contestant imitate him? Not only would imitating Glass be an act of hypocrisy on his part, it would minimise the chances of ‘Robert Practice’ ever being performed on ITV on Saturday night in the 1990s. This would be a bad idea and I am against it.

5: Bentley Bear. The original lead singer when Atari founded the band in 1983, it’s only fair that he be given another chance. Stick him in the wind tunnel that the (III) vocals were recorded in and see how he fares.

6: Ms Pac-Man. It’s time they got back in touch with their chip-tune roots.

7: Hilary Duff. Alice Glass is So Yesterday.

8: Alice Glass. She might change her mind.

9: Beyoncé. Sadly, any new Crystal Castles album would presumably have to be named (IV), which could only invite confusion with Beyoncé’s own album ‘4’, so this might not be as likely as you think.

10: A hologram of Alice Glass. This would allow the duo to continue as normal without anyone noticing the difference, at least until the ill-advised inclusion of ‘Trash Hologram’ in one of their live setlists leads to the insulted hologram leaving the stage to pursue a solo career.

11: God. The song ‘Wrath of God’ suggests Glass’s tempestuous relationship with God was a key factor in God’s lack of involvement up to now. Perhaps this is the opportunity God has been waiting for.

12: 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland. Despite Crystal Castles attaining their biggest hit when these vocalists recorded ‘Ayo Technology’, they’ve never been invited back. Why not?

13: I don’t know. Look I don’t fucking know, alright? Why are you asking me? I just don’t know. Leave me alone.

14: Lice Gass. This is what I accidentally typed when I went to Google “Alice Glass”. I don’t know who Lice Gass might be, but I think it’s only fair that she be invited.

15: Madonna. The Queen of Pop is clearly on good working terms with the former duo, having been willing to punch herself in the eye for the sake of their early artwork.

16: Various Artists. ‘Doe Deer’ was, of course, second in contention to ‘God Only Knows’ for that new BBC Children in Need single.

17: Ethan Kath. He hasn’t been busy since his own duo, “Crystal Castles”, split. Why not invite him to join Ethan Kath in Crystal Castles? The combined duo could be referred to as “Crystal Castles”, a portmanteau of “Crystal Castles” and “Crystal Castles”.

18: Fuck it all off and join McBusted. Swallow your pride, Ethan. It’s the only way forward.

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