You’ve got an idea for a fun game to play in the House – but it involves breaking the rules! How many times would Big Brother have to tell you off?
A: None! You would never break the rules!
B: Twice, by which point you are reduced to a quivering hair-tugging wreck!
C: About 3 before Big Brother forgets you exist, and you are lost in the camera run for eternity!
D: Once, before housemates suggest that assaulting pizza boxes is not a fun game!
E: Infinite, for you have never had to fear authority!
F: 4 times! That’s 2 for each of your breasts! You’re a woman!
Someone’s running a bath – with plenty of bubbles! Will you join them?
A: You’re MAKING the bubbles! LOL! It’s a fart joke!
B: You would like to drown in the bath with Harry and spend eternity with her!
C: No, you’re not GAY!
D: Only if they look sexually vulnerable!
E: Yes, for you have not achieved full Conservative maturity, at which point you start to exude an acidic slime that renders bathing with others impossible!
F: No! You’re a lady!
Which Celebrity Big Brother housemate would you say you most relate to?
A: Jonas ‘Basshunter’ Altberg! LOL! It’s a fart joke!
B: Karissa and Kristina Shannon!
C: Yourself! You think this is Celebrity Big Brother! You fool!
D: Ricci from Geordie Shore!
E: Lauren Harries, circa 1988 when she was naught but a disturbing parody of an adult! A comically thin veneer of maturity and expertise! There’s hope for you to change yet, Joel!
F: None of them! You’re just a normal real working-class girl!
There’s no gym in the House! Oh no! How will you exercise during your time on Big Brother?
A: “EXERCISE?!? WHAT’S EXERCISE?!” LOL! It’s a fat joke!
B: Adorable autistic stimming!
C: Of course there’s a gym! This is Celebrity Big Brother!
D: Assaulting pizza boxes!
E: Doing a slutdrop, having your mother come in to tell you how funny it was when you did that slutdrop, and then going on to do slutdrops at every available opportunity! You have such natural comic flair!
F: Just being a normal real girl!
Why do you think you were chosen to take part in Big Brother?
A: Channel 5 loves to make fat working class people temporarily popular, and subsequently very unpopular! Really puts them in their place!
B: To be bullied mercilessly and maintain a Digital Spy following! Unfortunately you are popular within the house, rendering you largely irrelevant!
C: Administrative error!
D: Channel 5 hates women!
E: Cameron’s Britain!
F: Because Sophie Lawrence was such a fan favourite!
Big question time: given the option, would you pocket £5,000 for yourself, or would you rather it was added to the prize fund for the winner?
A: You would prefer £22,000!
B: You would pocket £5000, and put Chloe up for eviction!
C: Nobody cares what you think!
D: You would prefer to extort £5000 via blackmail with your stash of revenge porn!
E: You would pocket two pizzas instead!
F: You would rather the former, though you would also think it was a basically good thing if the latter happened, and that’s not really hypocritical, indeed to value money primarily for yourself and secondarily for other people, while thinking it wasteful to spend £2500 on a pizza but not even kicking up that much of a fuss over it, is more or less how any genuinely normal person would behave, so fair enough really! Never read Digital Spy!
Are you a man or a woman?
A: A man!
B: A man!
C: A man!
D: A man!
E: A man!
F: A woman!
How do people describe your voice?
C: “Fake” or “black” or “Jamaican”, as if MLE isn’t a perfectly common London dialect that is far more plausibly your real voice than an affectation!
D: Constantly on the precipice of a “durrrr” that you think viewers will find endearing!
F: Just normal and real!
Where do you see yourself in 30 years’ time?
B: Running a Big Brother parody Twitter account!
C: Applying for Celebrity Big Brother!
E: Sweating in the dock, the cracks finally beginning to show in your naturally ministerial voice as you try to mislead an inquiry into serial child rape in your government! Uh oh! You muster your last reserves of honesty to assert that their are no true paedophiles in the Conservatives, for deep down you know that anyone who truly had feelings for the children left bloodied and battered in your party’s wake would have treated them with more respect! You and your cabinet do not experience feelings!
F: You only know how to behave as a sweet and innocent teenage girl, and are desperately struggling to adapt to adulthood! Youth is fleeting! Death is coming to us all, Chloe! Death is coming!
MOSTLY ‘A’S: You are Adjoa.
MOSTLY ‘B’S: You are Adjoa.
MOSTLY ‘C’S: You are Adjoa.
MOSTLY ’D’S: You are Adjoa.
MOSTLY ‘E’S: You are Adjoa.
MOSTLY ‘F’S: You are Adjoa.