HOW TO USE A CAR FOR MASS MURDER: A TERROR MANUAL

THE MANY WAYS YOU CAN KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE WITH A CAR. AS FEATURED IN THE DAILY MAIL

  • Drive your car into some people. It’s a little-known fact that driving your car into people can maim or even kill them. This handy tip can save you a lot of time
  • Reverse your car into some people. They’ll be confused by this and, under the illusion that you’re driving in the opposite direction, will run towards the car, ensuring maximum fatalities
  • Drive your car into some people, but really slowly. This way, they don’t realise you’re moving, and won’t get out of your way
  • Drop your car onto some people, off the top of e.g. a bridge, tower, or much bigger car
  • Invite a large group of people into your car, then, when driving at some speed, push them all back out again
  • Close your garage door and run your car engine to kill people via carbon monoxide poisoning. Remember you need people in your garage to asphyxiate in the first place. Maybe host a disco or something
  • Drive your car into a river or other body of water. This is most effective if there is a boat or scuba divers in the vicinity
  • Hang out of the window biting people as you drive by. Guzzle up that nasty pedestrian meat
  • Drive your car into opposing cars to take them down. There are various types of Takedown. For example, if you ram an opponent into a wall, this is known as a Wall Takedown. If you take down an opponent that has previously taken you down, this is known as a Revenge Takedown
  • Pop a sick wheelie on your back tyres. When people congregate to applaud your sweet skills, bring the front of the car back down on top of them
  • Dismantle the car and batter people with the components e.g. boot, sprocket, wheel, spring, cog
  • Open your boot. Ask people to look inside the boot. As they’re bent over, saying “I’m sorry, I can’t see anything inside this boot”, close the boot down to decapitate them. Remember to take the head out before repeating this technique or the bit where they say “I’m sorry, I can’t see anything inside this boot” is not going to work
  • Fire a gun at people out the window. Don’t try this one if you do not have a gun/window
  • Bake people in your hot car. Works best with dogs, babies, fools, and the unconscious
  • Drive your car up a ramp into a helicopter. Whoa. Badass fuckin shit
  • Get out of your car, walk a safe distance away, then turn around and shoot a nice hot bullet into the petrol tank. If this doesn’t make it explode, then allow the petrol to trickle towards you while you light a cool cigarette. Once the petrol has reached you, or you have finished your cool cigarette, nonchalantly flick the burning ashes into the petrol. If this doesn’t make it catch fire and explode, get back in the car and drive it somewhere else where nobody saw you do it first time, and try again
  • Throw hard objects (e.g. a barrel, cask, or tun) out the window. IMPORTANT: remember to wind the window down first
  • Once you have charged your Special Weapon, fire your Napalm Cones
  • Fly your car into a skyscraper like in 9/11. Note: only really works if you have Scaramanga’s flying car from The Man with the Golden Gun
  • Summon your car into a lift. The lift will not be able to take the weight of the car, and will plummet down the shaft
  • Go to a drive-through and buy a meat pasty or some cheese, in order to fund the mass murder of animals. Have you seen Simon Amstell’s ‘Carnage’ yet, I haven’t but I hear it’s good
  • Feed people your car. Your car is likely inedible, and they will die trying to digest it. If people are reluctant to eat your car, consider concealing your car in a cake ahead of time. Nobody can resist a cake at least the size of a car
  • Grind your car into a powder and convince people to snort it. Easy to get away with as society regards those who overdose on drugs as lowlife criminal scum who had it coming, even if the drugs in question are, strictly speaking, a car
  • Transformers
  • Drive round and round in circles, heating up the road surface with the friction of your tyres, until the tarmac melts and is whipped into an asphalt whirlpool, sucking in hapless passers-by like a sloppy tornado. Once you have captured enough unfortunate souls, drive away. This will allow it to harden again, encasing your victims in the road for eternity
  • Check the glove compartment for a grenade. No? Well it was just an idea
  • REALLY loud music. Thumping bass beats 
  • Shout bad dietary tips at people out the window, such as “eat more salt”, “you don’t drink enough”, and “E. coli is fine”. They might think they’ve gotten away unscathed that day, but the seed has been planted
  • Cry, cry, cry until your car is full to the brim with tears, then open the door and drown everyone who’s come over to console you
  • Spontaneous human combustion
  • Play the long game. Sit there motionless at a green light holding up traffic until everyone dies of old age or honk exhaustion
  • Get out of the car and stab someone. Even if you only get one guy before being shot dead, your lacklustre efforts will be reported in the press not as an embarrassing failure, but as a dagger to the heart and soul of the country and democracy itself. We can all make it as terrorist masterminds if we only believe. There is so much opportunity out there. What a beautiful world

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