Prince Philip’s best gaffes: Duke of Edinburgh’s 20 wittiest remarks as he retires aged 96

PRINCE Philip is renowned for his witty one-liners and off-the-cuff remarks. Branded a “national treasure” by the press (us) for his inability to curb his quick wit, here’s a round-up of the retiring Queen’s consort’s most memorable witticisms.

1. UGGGHH. I FUCKEN HATE ASIANS
(in 1995, pointing at Nelson Mandela on a visit to South Africa)

2. I DECLARE THIS THING OPEN, WHATEVER IT IS
(in 1997, bending over and distending his anus with both hands for a portrait that would later become known as “goatse”).

3. DROP DEAD YOU FUCKEN SLUT
(in Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a local woman, and again later that night in bed to his wife, the Queen).

4. ARE YOU GONNA SHINE MY SHOES, MY BELOVED BLACK BUTLER BARACK OBAMA. HOW ABOUT ANSWER ME BITCH
(speaking to singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance).

5. AUGHH ME FUCKEN ROTTEN BLADDER. ME FUCKEN PISS STINGS LIKE FUCK
(in 2012, while being admitted to King Edward VII Hospital with a bladder infection).

6. YASSS I FUCKEN LOVE HITLER
(in 1997, to German Chancellor Helmut Kohl at a trade fair, who then clarified that he was not Hitler, to Prince Philip’s disappointment).

7. WHATEVER. IDGAF
(in 1996, during and after the Dunblane massacre, and shortly before unloading 6 bullets into his temple in protest at the calls for a firearm ban, to no ill effect).

8. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. IM BLACK
(in 1986, to a group of British exchange students staying in the city of Xi’an, narrowing his eyes, pinching his eyelids and surrounding skin, and rapidly tugging it side to side, making a ‘shlup shlup shlup’ sound).

9. LMAO
(in 1997, while being informed of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales).

10. THE FUCKEN… CHINESE. BUNCH OF TRANNIES
(in 1994, apropos of nothing).

11. DEAF???? NO WONDER – YOU MUST HAVE HAD AN EARFUL FROM MY WIFE (THE QUEEN)!
(to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999. The deaf children laughed as the Queen subsequently gave him a clip round the ear, and Prince Philip wittily retorted by punching her in the face).

12. DEAF???? THANK FUCK FOR THAT
(5 minutes later to the same children, before doing a really loud fart).

13. DEAF???? NO WONDER – I JUST DID A REALLY LOUD FART
(3 minutes later to the same children, who were by this point crying).

14. HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UR FAGGOT ASS MOUTH AND SHOOT UR FUCKEN LOAD OVER MY FACE AFTER CONFUSING ME FOR A GIANT FUCKEN SEXY GAY BALLBAG
(muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform, 2001).

15. BITCH
(in 1974, referring to the entire continent of Asia).

16. YOU CANTONESE WILL EAT ANYTHING. BET YOUSE WILL FUCKEN EAT THIS: MY GHASTLY PUSTULENT ASSHOLE. YOU HEARD ME BITCH
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

17. IF IT HAS GOT FOUR LEGS AND IT IS NOT A CHAIR, IF IT HAS GOT TWO WINGS AND IT FLIES BUT IS NOT AN AEROPLANE, AND IF IT SWIMS AND IT IS NOT A SUBMARINE: IM GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

18. IF IT DOESN’T FART OR EAT HAY: IM NOT GUNNA FUCK IT
(at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting).

19. DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? IM RACIST
(in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who did not recognise him).

20. URNNNGHGH IM GUNNA CUM. SPUNKEN ME RACIST SPUNK. PLANTEN THE SEEDS OF DISCRIMINATION ALL UP IN YOUR SLUTTY ARSE GUTS
(in 2017, while engaging in anal sex with his wife, the Queen).

We’ll miss you, Grandpa Phil!

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