Corporal punishment methods in US schools

Corporal punishment in public schools is still legal in 22 US states. I work as a self-employed superintendent in all 22 of these states, and in the spirit of full disclosure, here is the full list of punishment techniques I encourage teachers to practise.

Paddle. For standard usage.

Paddle with a nail in it. Should only be used on special occasions.

Riding crop. Do not actually ride the child, unless they are in fact a horse, in which case do not actually ride the horse.

Slipper. Be careful that this isn’t a gateway to more extreme footwear, like cleats or ice skates – it’s a slipper slope.

Flogger. This is when you send the troublesome child out into traffic.

Leather strap. A cow died for this – and rightly so

Cane. If you don’t have a cane, just find some decrepit guy doddering about outside and take his. Old bastards are super into corporal punishment and won’t mind.

Birch. Absorbs blood easily, so be careful you don’t go giving them all sex diseases. That would be funny but tbh a bit much

Whip. Did you know black children are disproportionately beaten by teachers in US schools? Well, let’s go all in! Slavery is back, baby! Yeah!

Truncheon. While creative use is encouraged, do NOT I repeat do NOT I repeat do NOT fuck them, unless you’re SURE they won’t enjoy it.

Carpet beater. For when the carpet is giving you lip

Quirt. Please keep this in contemporary usage. If it falls into obsolescence, that’s one less Q word in the Scrabble dictionary. Quirt the shit out of anyone who gets too quisquous

Blender. I don’t mean the actual blade bit, I’m not mad. Just hit them with the main body of the blender. Psychological and that.

Gun. Why do you THINK we’re pushing to arm teachers? Pistol-whip those motherfuckers. Do NOT shoot them except by accident. Please shoot them by accident as much as you like.

40 lashes… eyelashes, that is! Haha, yeah, it’s not that bad, sorry to worry you. We just pull out all forty of your eyelashes one by one. Tweezer time bitch

40 strokes… strokes, that is! This is where we gently caress your hair, as you suffer a series of debilitating cerebral haemorrhages, and at such a young age. It’s awful, and there’s nothing to be done.

Corporal Punishment from Robot Wars. Americans won’t even know who this is and I don’t think it would be very effective. Just a silver box really. Waste of FUCKING time.

259 from Robot Wars. Now we’re talking

Hot sauce in their mouth. NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT I repeat NOT cum.

Fasces. We just have a lot of them lying around and I can’t remember why.

Circumcision. If they’ve got a foreskin, then tug hard on it until it goes black and falls off. ONLY for boy pupils. Do NOT female genital mutilate any girls. We have to draw the line somewhere, and apparently it’s there.

Crocodiles

Catherine wheel. IMPORTANT: DO NOT USE IF THERE IS A PUPIL NAMED ‘CATHERINE’. SHE WILL BE UNFAIRLY SINGLED OUT AND BULLIED.

Ass whoopin’. Just good old ass whoopin’

Bukkake. Honestly this takes more preparation than it’s worth and it’s pretty bad optics.

Ice cream scoop. Methodically carve out spheres of their ass (or, as we say in the United States of America, “ass”)

Sneakers” or “tennis shoes”. That’s my attempt to convert “gym shoes” to American. In the UK they’re also called “plimsoll shoes” or “pumps”. Yeah bitch, that’s what pump means in the UK, along with “sex” and “fart”. What the fuck kind of gay ass shit is “plimsoll”. Fuck you

Monster truck. Damn. HELL yeah

Nuclear war. Duck and cover! Duck and cover! Go to the designated death zone under your desk now please.

Paddle. Throw them in a pool and watch them paddle. If they can swim, this is not an effective punishment. Hit them with a paddle to knock them underwater, like those canoe guys do to Coco in the jet-ski levels of Crash Bandicoot 3 – and rightly so.

A comment saying “didn’t do me any harm!” under an article debating whether corporal punishment is okay. Show this to a child to really make them wince. I spend my time advocating child abuse in comment sections while implicitly regarding myself as an aspirational figure. Far more painful than any actual corporal punishment you can administer.

Anything goes, so long as we don’t have to cover any medical bills. You break it you bought it

I hope that clears that up. These are all fine, and it’s fine if we keep doing them.

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