HOW TO USE A CAR FOR MASS MURDER: A TERROR MANUAL

THE MANY WAYS YOU CAN KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE WITH A CAR. AS FEATURED IN THE DAILY MAIL

  • Drive your car into some people. It’s a little-known fact that driving your car into people can maim or even kill them. This handy tip can save you a lot of time
  • Reverse your car into some people. They’ll be confused by this and, under the illusion that you’re driving in the opposite direction, will run towards the car, ensuring maximum fatalities
  • Drive your car into some people, but really slowly. This way, they don’t realise you’re moving, and won’t get out of your way
  • Drop your car onto some people, off the top of e.g. a bridge, tower, or much bigger car
  • Invite a large group of people into your car, then, when driving at some speed, push them all back out again
  • Close your garage door and run your car engine to kill people via carbon monoxide poisoning. Remember you need people in your garage to asphyxiate in the first place. Maybe host a disco or something
  • Drive your car into a river or other body of water. This is most effective if there is a boat or scuba divers in the vicinity
  • Hang out of the window biting people as you drive by. Guzzle up that nasty pedestrian meat
  • Drive your car into opposing cars to take them down. There are various types of Takedown. For example, if you ram an opponent into a wall, this is known as a Wall Takedown. If you take down an opponent that has previously taken you down, this is known as a Revenge Takedown
  • Pop a sick wheelie on your back tyres. When people congregate to applaud your sweet skills, bring the front of the car back down on top of them
  • Dismantle the car and batter people with the components e.g. boot, sprocket, wheel, spring, cog
  • Open your boot. Ask people to look inside the boot. As they’re bent over, saying “I’m sorry, I can’t see anything inside this boot”, close the boot down to decapitate them. Remember to take the head out before repeating this technique or the bit where they say “I’m sorry, I can’t see anything inside this boot” is not going to work
  • Fire a gun at people out the window. Don’t try this one if you do not have a gun/window
  • Bake people in your hot car. Works best with dogs, babies, fools, and the unconscious
  • Drive your car up a ramp into a helicopter. Whoa. Badass fuckin shit
  • Get out of your car, walk a safe distance away, then turn around and shoot a nice hot bullet into the petrol tank. If this doesn’t make it explode, then allow the petrol to trickle towards you while you light a cool cigarette. Once the petrol has reached you, or you have finished your cool cigarette, nonchalantly flick the burning ashes into the petrol. If this doesn’t make it catch fire and explode, get back in the car and drive it somewhere else where nobody saw you do it first time, and try again
  • Throw hard objects (e.g. a barrel, cask, or tun) out the window. IMPORTANT: remember to wind the window down first
  • Once you have charged your Special Weapon, fire your Napalm Cones
  • Fly your car into a skyscraper like in 9/11. Note: only really works if you have Scaramanga’s flying car from The Man with the Golden Gun
  • Summon your car into a lift. The lift will not be able to take the weight of the car, and will plummet down the shaft
  • Go to a drive-through and buy a meat pasty or some cheese, in order to fund the mass murder of animals. Have you seen Simon Amstell’s ‘Carnage’ yet, I haven’t but I hear it’s good
  • Feed people your car. Your car is likely inedible, and they will die trying to digest it. If people are reluctant to eat your car, consider concealing your car in a cake ahead of time. Nobody can resist a cake at least the size of a car
  • Grind your car into a powder and convince people to snort it. Easy to get away with as society regards those who overdose on drugs as lowlife criminal scum who had it coming, even if the drugs in question are, strictly speaking, a car
  • Transformers
  • Drive round and round in circles, heating up the road surface with the friction of your tyres, until the tarmac melts and is whipped into an asphalt whirlpool, sucking in hapless passers-by like a sloppy tornado. Once you have captured enough unfortunate souls, drive away. This will allow it to harden again, encasing your victims in the road for eternity
  • Check the glove compartment for a grenade. No? Well it was just an idea
  • REALLY loud music. Thumping bass beats 
  • Shout bad dietary tips at people out the window, such as “eat more salt”, “you don’t drink enough”, and “E. coli is fine”. They might think they’ve gotten away unscathed that day, but the seed has been planted
  • Cry, cry, cry until your car is full to the brim with tears, then open the door and drown everyone who’s come over to console you
  • Spontaneous human combustion
  • Play the long game. Sit there motionless at a green light holding up traffic until everyone dies of old age or honk exhaustion
  • Get out of the car and stab someone. Even if you only get one guy before being shot dead, your lacklustre efforts will be reported in the press not as an embarrassing failure, but as a dagger to the heart and soul of the country and democracy itself. We can all make it as terrorist masterminds if we only believe. There is so much opportunity out there. What a beautiful world

Grindr users on the 2016 US election

The United States is about to elect a new president. I’ve previously polled UK Grindr users on Scottish independence, the 2015 general election, and Brexit. This time, I decided to poll US Grindr users on who they think should be leading their country.

The following is a representative sample of the replies.

(Identifiable faces have been censored.)

Me: Good evening, CumDump slave. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
CumDump slave: Hilary
Me: Good afternoon, truck sex. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
truck sex: Trump
Me: Good evening, need daddy cock. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
need daddy cock: None of your business
Me: Good evening, A Dad 2 Love. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
A Dad 2 Love: The only one who is worth a damn.
Me: Which one is that, A Dad 2 Love?
A Dad 2 Love: Donald J. Trump
Me: Good afternoon, Cocksucker4u. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Cocksucker4u: Hillary of course. That fucking psychotic orange disgusting ignorant trash Trump is a joke and shouldn't even be free he should be behind bars
Me: Good morning, Workout bud?. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Workout bud?: None. Bernie but he isn't around. Jill Stein if she wasn't a dumbass
Me: Good evening, Liberal. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Liberal: I'm a Bernie supporter, but I will vote for Hillary on this occasion. It's a lot more than my wants and aspirations, it's for the people who depend on my vote.
Me: Good afternoon, DoYouNeedATrim?. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
DoYouNeedATrim?: Show me your cock and I'll tell you
Me: Good evening, Cravn2suck. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Cravn2suck: That's personal
Me: Good morning, BlowPureManMeat. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
BlowPureManMeat: Clinton ! Trump is a MANIAC , wants to start a nuclear war.
Me: Good afternoon, bi top. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
bi top: haha. trump
if killary wins america will be a pile of rocks covered in goat shit within years.
just take your dildo back to your safe zone.
Me: Good afternoon, NewAmericana🐙. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
NewAmericana🐙: Neiher. There both dumb
Me: Good afternoon, chill guy. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
chill guy: Going for Johnson
Me: Good morning, seed me. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
seed me: I not in here for that
Me: Good afternoon, LetMeMasageU. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
LetMeMasageU: Because I'm a self respecting gay man that doesn't support the Republican party and tax dollars going to 'gay conversion therapy'  my vote is for Hillary. Although that is but one of many reasons.
Me: Good evening, MyBallsRfull. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
MyBallsRfull: I'm going to write Mickey mouse in on the ballot. Hes more qualified than either of the two morons running.
Me: Good evening, luvsucingdic. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
luvsucingdic: Hillary Clinton. I don't drive and can't host. I prefer to suck some well endowed HARD cock.
Me: Good morning, Mouthfucker XL. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Mouthfucker XL: Not ur busssiness! !!
Mouthfucker XL: [picture of himself in underpants]
Me: Good afternoon, Jarod. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Jarod: Eeeeh
Jarod: I don't support either of them honestly
Jarod: I chose trump over hillary, but I hate both of them
Jarod: Hillary did do all of those horrible email and classified information scanals plus she surely had a hand in the Benghazi situation
Jarod: It was stupid vs evil
Jarod: And stupid can be vetoed by congress
Me: Good evening, spooky wooky. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
spooky wooky: evening to you too and i support neither but i refuse to see a rapist oompa loompa take the helm so i'm voting for hil and selling a portion of my soul. yes?
Me: Good morning, Steven Universe. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Steven Universe: Hmmm, I dunno, garnet doesn't like either and pearl is supporting Hillary because she's qualified. But since I'm a kid and I can't vote I'll vote for Hillary since she's a super mom. 😆
Me: Good afternoon, Ricancocksucker. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Ricancocksucker: Im looking to suck dick not talk about politics
Me: Good afternoon, Suck n swallow. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Suck n swallow: This election not voting for any of those jackasses!!!! They both are just an embarrassment to our great nation. This election is like a Circus and the world is just laughing at us. Our founding fathers must be turning in their graves right now. I am sick of
all the commercials and the attacks!!!
Me: Good evening, A Jill Sandvich. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
A Jill Sandvich: This gun pointed at my I can pull the trigger to if I can never get off this fucking roller coaster
A Jill Sandvich: At my head*
Me: Good morning, 2016 horny. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
2016 horny: Green Party
Me: Thank you for your input, 2016 horny.
2016 horny: I am
2016 horny: You looking
Me: Good afernoon, need head. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
need head: Trump all the way baby
Me: Thank you for your input, need head.
need head: Yea i need head where r u
Me: Good morning, Lick my feet. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
Lick my feet: U wanna suck me
Me: That's not an option on my ballot, Lick my feet.
Lick my feet: Ok where are u im not on here  to talk abiut the election ok
Me: Thank you anyway, Lick my feet.
Lick my feet: Where are u and send pics of feet
Me: Good evening, NO ASS PICS!!!. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
NO ASS PICS!!!: Very difficult question but Hillary
Me: Thank you for your input, NO ASS PICS!!!.
NO ASS PICS!!!: I don't like how u keep calling me that
Me: Good afternoon, bubblebootybtm. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
bubblebootybtm: [a photo of his bubble booty]
bubblebootybtm: Send a dick pic
Me: Good afternoon, CHANGES. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
CHANGES: Send a pic
Me: [a photo of Donald Trump]
Me: [a photo of Hillary Clinton]
CHANGES: I meant of you
Me: Good afternoon, I want tops. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
I want tops: Hot
I want tops: You have big cock
Me: It's nice of you to say so, I want tops.
I want tops: I want a big top muscular , big clock, and duck me delicious
I want tops: You can
Me: That's not an option on the ballot, I want tops.
I want tops: Huh
Me: Good afternoon, RimMeUhost. Which candidate are you supporting in the forthcoming presidential election?
RimMeUhost: My big fat cock

For every state, I aimed for a number of responses equivalent to each state’s number of presidential electors – from 55 for California to 3 for Delaware, Vermont, Alaska etc. A few fell a little short as I was banned (my 10th Grindr ban to date) just before I could finish, though most matched or exceeded the target. The number next to each state is the number of responses I received, though the percentages are only taken from the responses that can reasonably be interpreted as a decisive answer – undecided voters, non-voters, and evasive responses are listed separately. Major candidates who received 0 votes are also listed.

CALIFORNIA: 53

68% (21)    Hillary Clinton
6% (2)        Donald Trump
6% (2)        Bernie Sanders
6% (2)        “Yo momma”
3% (1)        Gary Johnson
3% (1)        Barack Obama
3% (1)        John F. Kennedy
3% (1)        “Myself”

0% (0)        Jill Stein

2                Undecided
4                None of the above
3                Not eligible to vote
13              Evasive or unclear responses

102            Did not respond

TEXAS: 37

57% (8)    Hillary Clinton
14% (2)    Donald Trump
7% (1)      Jill Stein
7% (1)      Cthulhu
7% (1)      Harambe
7% (1)      “Myself”

0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Undecided
3               None of the above
1               Not eligible to vote
18             Evasive or unclear responses

52             Did not respond

 

NEW YORK: 29

64% (9)    Hillary Clinton
14% (2)    Donald Trump
7% (1)      Jill Stein
7% (1)      Deez Nuts
7% (1)      Mighty Mouse

0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3               Undecided
2               None of the above
1               Not eligible to vote
9               Evasive or unclear responses

38             Did not respond

 

FLORIDA: 29

62% (8)    Hillary Clinton
23% (3)    Donald Trump
8% (1)      Vermin Supreme
8% (1)      “Myself”

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Undecided
3               None of the above
1               Not eligible to vote
11             Evasive or unclear responses

34             Did not respond

ILLINOIS: 20

75% (6)    Hillary Clinton
13% (1)    Donald Trump
13% (1)    Patti LuPone

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               None of the above
1               Not eligible to vote
9               Evasive or unclear responses

24             Did not respond

 

PENNSYLVANIA: 20

78% (7)    Hillary Clinton
11% (1)    Gary Johnson
11% (1)    Prince

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein

2              None of the above
9              Evasive or unclear responses

20            Did not respond

OHIO: 18

55% (6)    Hillary Clinton
27% (3)    Donald Trump
9% (1)      “Myself”
9% (1)      “This dick”

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3               None of the above
4               Evasive or unclear responses

24             Did not respond

GEORGIA: 18

43% (3)    Hillary Clinton
43% (3)    Donald Trump
14% (1)    Jill Stein

0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               Undecided
2               None of the above
7               Evasive or unclear responses

15             Did not respond

MICHIGAN: 18

67% (4)    Hillary Clinton
33% (2)    Donald Trump

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3              None of the above
9              Evasive or unclear responses

19            Did not respond

NORTH CAROLINA: 15

100% (8)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                Undecided
6                Evasive or unclear responses

38              Did not respond

 

NEW JERSEY: 14

60% (6)    Hillary Clinton
10% (1)    Jill Stein
10% (1)    Cardi B from Love & Hip Hop
10% (1)    “Jesus”
10% (1)    “Myself”

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

4               Evasive or unclear responses

19             Did not respond

VIRGINIA: 13

50% (3)    Hillary Clinton
33% (2)    Donald Trump
17% (1)    Gary Johnson

0% (0)      Jill Stein

1               Undecided
6               Evasive or unclear responses

22             Did not respond

WASHINGTON: 13

71% (5)    Hillary Clinton
29% (2)    Donald Trump

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

6              Evasive or unclear responses

12            Did not respond

 

ARIZONA: 15

100% (7)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

2               Undecided
3               None of the above
1               Not eligible to vote
2               Evasive or unclear responses

14             Did not respond

TENNESSEE: 14

57% (4)    Hillary Clinton
29% (2)    Donald Trump
14% (1)    Eric Andre

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Undecided
4               None of the above
2               Evasive or unclear responses

15             Did not respond

INDIANA: 12

44% (4)    Hillary Clinton
33% (3)    Donald Trump
11% (1)    Bernie Sanders
11% (1)    Mickey Mouse

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3              Evasive or unclear responses

14            Did not respond

MASSACHUSETTS: 12

57% (4)    Hillary Clinton
14% (1)    Gary Johnson
14% (1)    Vladimir Putin
14% (1)    “Myself”

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein

2              None of the above
3              Evasive or unclear responses

13            Did not respond

 

WISCONSIN: 14

88% (7)    Hillary Clinton
13% (1)    Jill Stein

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

6              Evasive or unclear responses

7              Did not respond

MARYLAND: 10

71% (5)    Hillary Clinton
14% (1)    Donald Trump
14% (1)    Katya

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3              Evasive or unclear responses

15            Did not respond

MISSOURI: 10

71% (5)    Hillary Clinton
29% (2)    Donald Trump

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              None of the above
2              Evasive or unclear responses

13            Did not respond

MINNESOTA: 9

50% (3)    Hillary Clinton
17% (1)    Donald Trump
17% (1)    Jill Stein
17% (1)    Gary Johnson

1              Undecided
1              None of the above
1              Evasive or unclear responses

18            Did not respond

 

ALABAMA: 11

83% (5)    Hillary Clinton
17% (1)    Jill Stein

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               None of the above
3               Evasive or unclear responses

7               Did not respond

COLORADO: 10

60% (3)    Hillary Clinton
20% (1)    Donald Trump
20% (1)    “Space raptors”

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Undecided
2               None of the above
2               Evasive or unclear responses

12             Did not respond

 

SOUTH CAROLINA: 9

83% (5)    Hillary Clinton
17% (1)    Donald Trump

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3               Evasive or unclear responses

7               Did not respond

 

KENTUCKY: 9

100% (5)    Hillary Clinton

0% (0)        Donald Trump
0% (0)        Jill Stein
0% (0)        Gary Johnson

1                None of the above
3                Evasive or unclear responses

13              Did not respond

 

LOUISIANA: 9

33% (1)    Hillary Clinton
33% (1)    Donald Trump
33% (1)    Jill Stein

0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               None of the above
4               Evasive or unclear responses

13             Did not respond

 

OKLAHOMA: 8

83% (5*)    Hillary Clinton
17% (1*)    Donald Trump

*one respondent was actually a couple who were separately supporting Clinton and Trump. They are counted as votes for both.

0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1               None of the above
2               Evasive or unclear responses

11             Did not respond

OREGON: 8

50% (4)    Hillary Clinton
13% (1)    Jill Stein

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3              None of the above

7              Did not respond

CONNECTICUT: 7

50% (1)    Hillary Clinton
50% (1)    Beyoncé

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              Undecided
1              None of the above
3              Evasive or unclear responses

15            Did not respond

IOWA: 9

40% (2)    Donald Trump
20% (1)    Hillary Clinton
20% (1)    Jill Stein
20% (1)    Cthulhu

0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              Not eligible to vote
3              Evasive or unclear responses

10            Did not respond

ARKANSAS: 7

67% (2)    Hillary Clinton
33% (1)    Mickey Mouse

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              None of the above
3              Evasive or unclear responses

9              Did not respond

 

NEVADA: 6

33% (1)    Hillary Clinton
33% (1)    Donald Trump
33% (1)    “A giant meteor”

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              None of the above
2              Evasive or unclear responses

8              Did not respond

UTAH: 6

33% (1)    Donald Trump
33% (1)    Evan McMullin
33% (1)    Bernie Sanders

0% (0)      Hillary Clinton
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2              None of the above
1              Evasive or unclear responses

7              Did not respond

KANSAS: 6

67% (2)    Donald Trump
33% (1)    Hillary Clinton

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

3               Evasive or unclear responses

6               Did not respond

MISSISSIPPI: 6

33% (1)    Hillary Clinton
33% (1)    Donald Trump
33% (1)    Ronald Reagan

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2              None of the above
1              Evasive or unclear responses

6              Did not respond

 

WEST VIRGINIA: 7

80% (4)    Donald Trump
20% (1)    Hillary Clinton

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1              Undecided
1              Evasive or unclear responses

2              Did not respond

 

NEBRASKA: 6

60% (3)    Hillary Clinton
20% (1)    Donald Trump
20% (1)    Don Bacon

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Evasive or unclear responses

5               Did not respond

NEW MEXICO: 6

75% (3)    Hillary Clinton
25% (1)    Gary Johnson

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein

2              Evasive or unclear responses

4              Did not respond

 

HAWAII: 6

50% (2)    Hillary Clinton
25% (1)    Donald Trump
25% (1)    “Yo momma”

0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               None of the above

7               Did not respond

 

RHODE ISLAND: 5

100% (2)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                None of the above
2                Evasive or unclear responses

10              Did not respond

 

MAINE: 5

100% (3)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

2                None of the above

6                Did not respond

 

NEW HAMPSHIRE: 5

100% (3)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

2                Evasive or unclear responses

2                Did not respond

IDAHO: 4

100% (1)    Donald Trump

0% (0)        Hillary Clinton
0% (0)        Jill Stein
0% (0)        Gary Johnson

1                 None of the above
2                 Evasive or unclear responses

3                 Did not respond

 

VERMONT: 4

50% (1)    Donald Trump
50% (1)    Bernie Sanders

0% (0)      Hillary Clinton
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Undecided
1               Evasive or unclear responses

6               Did not respond

 

DELAWARE: 4

50% (1)    Donald Trump
50% (1)    “My big fat cock”

0% (0)      Hillary Clinton
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

2               Evasive or unclear responses

5               Did not respond

 

ALASKA: 4

33% (1)    Hillary Clinton
33% (1)    Bernie Sanders
33% (1)    Deez Nuts

0% (0)      Donald Trump
0% (0)      Jill Stein
0% (0)      Gary Johnson

1               Evasive or unclear responses

0               Did not respond

 

SOUTH DAKOTA: 3

100% (2)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                None of the above

1                Did not respond

 

NORTH DAKOTA: 2

100% (2)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                Did not respond

 

WYOMING: 2

100% (2)   Donald Trump

0% (0)       Hillary Clinton
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                Did not respond

 

MONTANA: 1

100% (1)   Donald Trump

0% (0)       Hillary Clinton
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

8                Did not respond

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.: 2

100% (1)   Hillary Clinton

0% (0)       Donald Trump
0% (0)       Jill Stein
0% (0)       Gary Johnson

1                Evasive or unclear responses

3                Did not respond

 

The overall US-wide vote is as follows.

63.25% (191)    Hillary Clinton
17.88% (54)      Donald Trump
3.31% (10)        Jill Stein
1.99% (6)          Gary Johnson
1.99% (6)          Bernie Sanders
0.99% (3)          “Yo momma”
0.66% (2)          Deez Nuts
0.66% (2)          Cthulhu
0.66% (2)          Mickey Mouse
0.33% (1)          Evan McMullin
0.33% (1)          Vermin Supreme
0.33% (1)          Don Bacon
0.33% (1)          Barack Obama
0.33% (1)          John F. Kennedy
0.33% (1)          Ronald Reagan
0.33% (1)          Vladimir Putin
0.33% (1)          Eric Andre
0.33% (1)          Beyoncé
0.33% (1)          Harambe
0.33% (1)          Mighty Mouse
0.33% (1)          Patti LuPone
0.33% (1)          Prince
0.33% (1)          Cardi B from Love & Hip Hop
0.33% (1)          Jesus
0.33% (1)          Katya
0.33% (1)          “Space raptors”
0.33% (1)          “A giant meteor”

In addition, 1.99% (6) voted for “Myself”, although these aren’t lumped together as they refer to separate individuals – namely, “WOOF!”, “MiamiLatino”, “nICE GUY!!!!!”, “2017 ready now”, “no pic don’t”, and “DatFckboi”. 0.66% (2) also voted for their own penis – 4 if we count pictures of a respondent’s penis as an actual answer to the poll.

Not counted towards the percentage are the following responses:

19                Undecided
60                None of the above
9                  Not eligible to vote
181              Evasive or unclear responses

“Evasive or unclear responses” can be roughly divided as follows:

55                Miscellaneous evasion
41                Explicitly declined to answer, “none of your business” etc
25                Irrelevant or incomprehensible
18               Too horny to engage politically
13               Total bewilderment
12               “Anyone but…” (10 Trump, 2 Clinton, 1 Johnson, 1 Stein)
7                 Overt hostility
3                 Nudes

Here are the number of states candidates win when only Grindr votes.

Hillary Clinton: 42 (6 as part of a tie)
Donald Trump: 13 (7 as part of a tie)
Bernie Sanders: 3 (3 as part of a tie)
Jill Stein: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Evan McMullin: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Deez Nuts: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Beyoncé: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Ronald Reagan: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
″A giant meteor”: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
″My big fat cock”: 1 (1 as part of a tie)
Gary Johnson: 0

In the electoral college, this should translate into the following numbers of electoral votes. When dealing with ties, electors are divided evenly between candidates.

Hillary Clinton: 472.167
Donald Trump: 46.667
Bernie Sanders: 4.5
Beyoncé: 3.5
Jill Stein: 2.667
Evan McMullin: 2
Ronald Reagan: 2
“A giant meteor”: 2
“My big fat cock”: 1.5
Deez Nuts: 1

Finally, here is the electoral map, according to Grindr.

An image representation of the results I've just told you. It's very blue.

Hillary Clinton comfortably clears her target of 270 electoral votes, and the Democrats are re-elected. Grindr is, for once, with her.

Scottish Grindr users on the EU referendum

I’ve previously taken to Grindr to ask users their opinions on the Scottish independence referendum and the 2015 general election.

More recently, I’ve been asking Grindr users in and around Edinburgh whether they believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union. Here is a representative sample of the replies:

Me: Good evening, NeedDaddy'sCock. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
NeedDaddy'sCock: No
Me: Good evening, Fuk my ass now. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Fuk my ass now: Yes!
Me: Good evening, Make me Gag. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Make me Gag: No
Me: Good evening, Couple naked.... Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Couple naked...: Fuck of
Me: Good afternoon, Sleazyfit9incok. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Sleazyfit9incok: Yes!!!
Me: Good afternoon, Dildo fun😌. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Dildo fun😌: Good afternoon.
No, I believe being part of the European Union has more benefits for Scotland than it has drawbacks.
Me: Good evening, Kev16 😉. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Kev16 😉: Not into that shit
Me: Good evening, Lick ur balls. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Lick ur balls: Hello,
Yes, definitely it should
Me: Good morning, Nookie Monkey. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Nookie Monkey: Yes for independence. No for worker and social rights. Lol
Me: Which of those two positions do you currently feel most inclined to support?
Nookie Monkey: Mm..has to be Independance, pro brexit.
Me: Good evening, Blow me kneel. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Blow me kneel: No
Me: Thank you for your input, Blow me kneel.
Blow me kneel: Big dick?
Me: Good morning, SuckYouNow. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
SuckYouNow: I believe I'm not on Grindr to discuss such issues.
Me: Good evening, Hairy dude. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Hairy dude: Hey dude! No! Please don't vote for leaving. We both loose! I'm not happy either of eu politics as an Italian but it's not by leaving to politicians deciding for us the solution.
Hairy dude: I'm enjoying Edinburgh!!
Me: Good evening, Cocksuckernow. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Cocksuckernow: I think should leave
Cocksuckernow: Even if is going to affect me in some point
Cocksuckernow: I do not agree of all the benefits ppl from other countries are taking
Me: Good evening, Looking for XL. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Looking for XL: I think it would be economically catastrophic if withdrawal took place. The scottish question would also shoot to the top of the nationalist agenda and that would certainly have wider, negative pan-European implications.
Me: Good afternoon, Can Accom. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Can Accom: I really Torn tbh
Me: It is a dilemma, Can Accom. Do you currently feel more inclined to leave or to remain?
Can Accom: I know and I can accom too
Me: Good evening, Stephen. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Stephen: After Greece I can't say I'm filled with optimism for the EU's radical or even progressive potential. There's a strong leftist case for leaving but the left isn't strong enough for it, and the only people a withdrawal would benefit right now are the far-right. So no, not at the moment.
Me: Good morning, Hung 4 roleplay. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Hung 4 roleplay: Im always relunctant to withdraw from anything
Me: Thank you for your input, Hung 4 roleplay.
Hung 4 roleplay: Yes I prefer putting in
Me: Good evening, Brutal fuck me. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Brutal fuck me: Absolutely not. The UK is not as economically independent as many would like to believe. Withdrawing from the European Union is going to cause a hike in tariffs, which will lead to increased import and export prices, and lose of competitiveness.
Me: Good afternoon, Swallow me. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Swallow me: I believe Noone should withdraw till they've cum and been swallowed
Me: Good afternoon, Human male. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Human male: As a left winger with green principles and a believer in localised government, I see flaws in the EU as it currently exists. However, the fragile nature of modern capitalism and a worry that Brexit would lead to conservative domination of the U.K. means I am convinced that we should be a part of a network rather than shunning them.
Me: Good afternoon, ARTIST. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
ARTIST: LoL, being myself a pure product of if, (mix of Portuguese, French and Scottish culture), I think it would be stupid...
Me: Thank you for your input, ARTIST.
ARTIST: Here are the most serious reasons.
The risks are :

1/ human rights down the drain
2/ No one to do the jobs Brits don't want to do.
3/ Retired and unemployed UK citizens won't have rights to benefit from EU countries social security countries
4/ UK government could not stop EU emigration or extra EU emigration
5/ economic loss in export due to taxes
6/ UK won't have any say on EU policies anymore...
Me: Good evening, Unscene ??. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Unscene ??: If this restricts quality cocks from Europe then hell no!!
Me: Good evening, Grindr User. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Grindr User: Is it your foreplay before fun
Me: This is what I consider fun, Grindr User.
Grindr User: The answer for your question is no
Me: Good afternoon, Bi filthy mind. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Bi filthy mind: No. What's more I think Scotland should leave the failing United Kingdom and remain in Europe
Me: An attractive proposition. Thank you for your input, Bi filthy mind.
Bi filthy mind: What am I inputting into? :)
Bi filthy mind: Ur not fucking David Torrance writing another shite book are you? Ha
Bi filthy mind: I'm on Skype if you ever want to talk openly
Bi filthy mind: Can show u my mug on there too ha
Bi filthy mind: Oops. Wrong person sorry
Me: Good evening, Slurper. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Slurper: Is that code for something?
Me: What might it be code for, Slurper?
Slurper: This is Grindr not YouGov some I'm guessing a fat cock pulling out of my throat?
Me: Good evening, I'm a gentleman. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
I'm a gentleman: Are you trans?
Me: If it will help settle the fate of the United Kingdom's place in the European Union, sure.
I'm a gentleman: Send me a pic please
Me: [a picture of the United Kingdom on a map]
I'm a gentleman: Pic of you
Me: Good evening, Genrus fun now. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Genrus fun now:  well that depends actually I mean now that I've seen your photo I am half wondering if you are a good example of a typical European or not should you be an example of European then of course that would be a very good reason to leave Europe don't you agree?
Me: To clarify, Genrus fun now, are you more inclined to leave or remain?
Genrus fun now: With ur pic, I will leave
Me: Good morning, Andrew. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Andrew: No ✌️
Andrew: 'Should the UK stay within, or withdraw from, the European Union?' would be less weighted
Me: Good evening, Need fuckd now. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Need fuckd now: No
Need fuckd now: I dont think so
Need fuckd now: Do u
Me: I am undecided, Need fuckd now. Thank you for your input.
Need fuckd now: I live opposite u
Me: What makes you say that, Mr fuckd now?
Need fuckd now: 2 secs ill come over
Need fuckd now: Gimme a min
Me: Good evening, YOUNG TWINK. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
YOUNG TWINK: Why you trying to annoy me?
YOUNG TWINK: My thoughts are personal , none of your fucking business
Me: Thank you for your input, YOUNG TWINK.
YOUNG TWINK: I've screen shooter your profile picture and reported your profile , I'm putting you on a public Facebook status
sex now: hi sexy
Me: Good evening, sex now. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
sex now: no
sex now: will you have sex with me
Me: Thank you for your input, sex now.
sex now: do you like sex
Me: Good evening, Horny. Do you believe the United Kingdom should withdraw from the European Union?
Horny: And who is this
Me: To clarify, you are Horny.
Horny: Sorry I'm not attracted to women
Me: What bearing does this have on the United Kingdom's place in the European Union, Horny?
Horny: Fuck off weirdo

STATISTICS:

I was only able to question 327 users before Grindr moderators intervened. 151 users left some kind of response. Of these, 108 settled on a yes or no answer.


81.48% (88) would like to REMAIN in the European Union.

18.52% (20) would like to EXIT the European Union.

Other responses can be divided as follows:

10   Undecided
8     Don’t care
8     Miscellaneous evasion
6     None of my business
3     Too bewildered to answer
3     Too horny to engage politically
3     Turned out to be a spambot
2     Incomprehensible

(This leaves 38 users who presumably blocked me by the time the results were counted. Any responses they may have given are not counted here.)

In conclusion, Scottish Grindr users are overwhelmingly against leaving the European Union. With it looking increasingly doubtful that such a comfortable victory for remainers will be reflected in the broader United Kingdom’s vote in the upcoming referendum, Grindr may have to consider declaring itself an independent nation to remain in the EU.

Handy pluralisation guide

  • Octopus > Octopodes
  • Attorney general > Attorneys general
  • Coup d’état > Coups d’état
  • Passerby > Passersby
  • Rhubarby > Rhubarsby
  • Father-in-law > Fathers-in-law
  • Mother-in-law > Mothers-in-law
  • Brother-in-law > Brothers-in-law
  • Sister-in-law > Sister-in-laws (this is because “Sister” already has two “s”s)
  • Mum > Ma
  • Ma > Mae
  • Matrix > Matrices
  • Bollix > Bollices
  • Little Mix > Little Mices
  • Opera > Operae
  • Firefox > Firefoxen
  • Google Chrome > Googles Chrome
  • Diplodocus > Diplodocodes
  • Chief of staff > Chieves of staff
  • Fish > Fish
  • Cat > Cat
  • Sheeple > Sheeple
  • Sheep > Sheepies
  • Prince > Princes
  • Princes > Princess
  • Ladyhawke > Ladieshawke
  • Shitehawk > Shitehawks
  • Series > Seriesies
  • Baby > Basby
  • Penny > Pence
  • Lenny Kravitz > Lence Kravitz
  • Penis > Pences
  • Forsooth > Forseeth
  • Caboose > Cabeese
  • Dairylea > Dairieslea
  • Pokémon > Pokémen
  • Person > People
  • Thomas Jefferson > Thomas Jeffeople
  • Pamela Anderson > Pamela Andeople
  • Tumblr > Tumbslr
  • Rumpus > Rumpodes
  • Die > Dice
  • Adieu > Adiceu
  • Avicii > Aviciii
  • Racism > Racismsies
  • Woodlouse > Woodlice
  • Wodehouse > Wodehice
  • Top of the Pops > Tops of the Pop
  • Foot > Feets
  • Feat > Foat
  • Shoe > Shoon
  • Shoe-in > Shoes-in
  • Choon > Choosen
  • Anus > Anodes
  • Rugby > Rugsby
  • Phalanx > Phalanges
  • Minx > Minges
  • David Guetta > Davids Guetta
  • Motherfucker > Mothersfucker
  • Criterion > Mothersfucker
  • Cowboy > Kineboy
  • Index > Indices
  • Let’s Talk About Sex > Let’s Talk About Sices
  • Ex on the Beach > Ices on the Beach
  • Datum > Datums
  • Poof > Pooves
  • Dr Pepper > Drs Pepper
  • Mountain Dew > Mountain Juice
  • Coca-Cola > Cokes-a-Cola
  • Pepsi > Pepis
  • Dwarf > Dwafs
  • BABYMETAL > BABIESMETAL
  • Manmeat > Menmeat
  • Bubblegum > Bubblega
  • Bus > Bodes
  • Julia Child > Julia Children
  • Cowbell > Kinebell
  • Breast > Breastren
  • Boob > Boob’s
  • Tit > Titys
  • Polka > Polkae
  • Sofa > Sofae
  • Tea > Teae
  • Dog > There is only one dog.
  • Brat > Bratz
  • Buffalo > Buffsalo
  • Missus > Missodes
  • Puppy > Pussy
  • Little Plum > Little Pla
  • Young, dumb, and full of cum > Young, dab, and full of ca
  • Meatus > Meatodes
  • Wheatus > Wheaties
  • Please > No
  • Soliloquy > Soliloquy’s
  • Fatman Scoop > Fatmen Scoop
  • Dwarf star > Dwarves Starz
  • Oh god > Help
  • Blowjob > Bloosjoob
  • Coworkers > Kineorkers
  • Corby Trouser Press > Corsby Trousers Press
  • Sinitta > Sinittae
  • Sia > Siae
  • Tsunami > I just told you there was a fucking tsunami stop reading this and run you twat
  • Diarrhoea > Diaorrhoeaoea
  • Martin Landau > Martin Landaux
  • Llama > Llamata
  • Smegma > Smegmata
  • Octopussy > Octopodesy
  • Pussy Galore > Podesy Galore
  • The void > N/A
  • Plarpy > Plorpleaux
  • Yeezus > Yeezi
  • Sheezus > Nobody has two copies of this
  • Girl Aloud > Girls Aloud
  • Xenomania > Xenomaniae
  • Kleptomania > One is enough. Please control yourself
  • Rocky Balboa > Rockies Balboae
  • Nutella > Nutellae
  • Fruit-tella > [unknown]
  • Octopus > Octopera
  • Dot your i and cross your t > Dot your is and no. Hang on. Dot your “i”s? You know what. Fuck you
  • Taylor Swift > [REDACTED]
  • Death is coming > Deaths are coming
  • Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) > Nae Nae Nae (Nae Nae Nae Nae Nae Nae Nae Nae Nae)
  • ‘Smooth’ by Santana – ‘Smeeth’ by Santanae
  • There’s no hope > None at all
  • Octopus > Paedophiles
  • Big Momma’s House > Big Mommae’ Hice